New update:
I miss blogging.

I miss reading your blogs.

Things have been wonderful/and very difficult.

I quit the Insurance job today. I was asked if I was passionate about insurance, and ya know what? I'm not! My boss was much more difficult to work with than I thought, and I didn't completely change the course of my life to put up with all that again for a job that is just a job for me. Still tutoring though.


Still working on trying to get that Professional Training job. Was able to finally send videos of me, so that should help.

I may be selling my house this week....PRAY!!!! I do have somene interested & could see an offer. 

It actually has been fun living with my mom, even though she doesn't live in RC, which would make the whole job thing easier for me. We really have been bonding and connecting,  love it!


Downside: my dog bit off part of my mom's dog's ear this weekend. I FELT BEYOND HORRIBLE. I can't properly explain why, but this sort of thing has been happening in one form or another since I moved back here. I am so tired of feeling like I am a burden on people. 

Looking for another part-time job until I find the real thing. The coffee shop idea has been resurfacing for some reason. Hmmmm, will someone please tell me what I am going to be when I grow up???


Again, I miss you all.


 

Have you all been missin me, cuz I have been going through withdrawls for all-y'all! This is a very quick update today:

I can only seem to use a computer when I am at the Library, so blogs are not happenin for me right now. Don't forget about me please!

I have been training at my Tutoring job for the past few weeks. Will start working with kids this Wed. I will be working with 3rd-8th graders. Should be interesting, hoping it is fun too.

Started working part time at an Insurance Agency. Mostly I am studying for the License Exams, which I need to pass in January. It is like learning a foreign language! But when I pass, I can be a full time agent. The people there have been really nice so far.

Still hopeful at landing the Training Position I want so bad. I finally borrowed my cousin's video camera so I can tape myself talking for 10 minutes. I was trying to get my former coworkers to send me some footage of a couple of my trainings, but I guess they couldn't figure out how to separate me from the rest, so I don't think that is going to happen.

I am staying with my mom mostly, driving back and forth between Belle & RC. It hasn't been too bad, just makes for a long day.

Tomorrow night I am going to a Grown-Up Christmas Party for the Chamber of Commerce! My Insurance boss is a Vice-Chair on the board, so I have to go, but I am feeling excited about it. You never know who I may run into there! Got myself a pretty red sweater and some jewelry to mark the occasion. Haven't decided if I am wearing it with a pencil skirt and boots, or black dress pants. I will tell ya all about it when I can. Miss you all!!!!!

So, I am much sunnier today. I do feel there is a slight pattern here. When I spend too much time at my mom's house, as much as I do love her, I feel a pull down there. Maybe it has something to do with cigerette smoke that lingers in the air and the 10 animals that live in the house! Once I spent a day in RC, I started feel much more optimistic. That is kind of how it has been working. I really just can't wait for the day when I have my own place here in RC and I don't have to be separated from my dogs and live through a suitcase. There will be a day.

Hi, long time no hear from me.

Sorry I haven't written much. Mostly I am not really sure what to write. I guess maybe I thought I would have much more exciting happy things to write about by now. I have also been computer challenged these days. No internet at my mom's, and I share the internet at Suree's. I did make a packed with myself to only write positive things in an effort to also be thinking more positively, but I am challenged in that area also. I know it was a God thing to come here. I know it in my bones and my heart. But I guess I thought since it is a God thing that I am here, things will just fall into place. I had an unrealistic idea of how things would turn out once I was here. The house would miraculously get sold in a few short weeks, and I will have landed my dream job with benefits and all. Of course, I'm not really clear about what my dream job is, and the house is still unsold. I don't like always writing negative things either, so it is easier to not write when I am not feeling positive I guess, which is often lately. I try to look and sound optimistic when I talk to people, but my insides are a mess. I didn't come here to feel sorry for myself. I came here to start living. I want to start living now. I pray everyday for a better perspective and lay all my worries down at his feet, but it is getting exhausting. I am tired. I'm tired of me right now. I just so want to be happy, why is this so hard for me to just be....happy.

Living out of a suitcase

That is what I am doing. I have most of what is not in storage at my mom's. I pack a suitcase when I go to Suree's and a Digby, then come back to Belle for a few days, pack another suitcase and a Digby and go back to Suree's. This week, I packed a suitcase and Millie and came to Buffalo to hang with my Bro and Fam. Tomorrow, weather permitting, I am going back to Belle for the night, packing a suitcase again to go to Suree's to help her with her Jewelry party. I'll stay at her house probably the whole weekend, then go back to Belle until I have an Interview or something.

This appears to be my life at the moment. Not a bad gig really, just hoping to have a job before my money is all gone. I really have been trying to give this to God, but I AM FREAKED OUT! I really want to be that person that shows a 100% faith. I have always wanted to be the example, but never have been. I do believe God can do great things, so why can't I believe he can do them with me?

Stupid Facebook!

Facebook won't let me log in, all I wanted to do is tell people that I will be without internet until Monday night, and will have poor cell reception until Friday. I HATE feeling out of touch!!

Stupid Facebook.

Things I miss about Colorado Springs:
1. Pikes Peak and the Rocky Mountain skyline
2. Bear Creek Dog Park
3. My co-workers
4. My House (to a degree)
5. Bronco fans everywhere


Things I love about being in the Black Hills:
1. A LOT LESS PEOPLE!
2. Recognizing people I know once in awhile:)
3. Memories all around me
4. Good friends
5. Family so close
6. Beautiful scenery
7. Being able to help my mom when she needs it.
8. Closer to my God-child:) (I see him at the end of the month!!)
9. Within a reasonable driving distance to more friends.

Now if I only had a job.....

I guess this should say, Good-bye from Colorado. I haven't had much time to blog, and I have no idea what is happening in all of your bloglands, but hopefully now I can start getting caught up. I will try to capture what has been going on in the last week, but still could take me awhile to finish this. But here it goes:

I am not going into the actual move day, but I will say that having my brother there with me was a Godsend, I couldn't have done it without him seriously! It was hard to leave my house, I have to say. Anyway, I said good-bye to Colorado without a tear, but a little sadness. I was mostly just ready to get to my destination. Brook & I left at 2pm, so we knew it was going to be a long one. We pulled into RC at 10pm, very very tired.

I ended up renting a storage unit from Milt, the dad, which Brook finally talked me into to. But you know, it isn't that weird like I thought it would be. I think the time in Colorado really strengthened me and I don't feel like I can get sucked in. Hopefully I am not tested here, but I think I finally understand that I can be around him without wanting to dredge anything up, without hurt feelings, and not letting myself get sucked in to what goes on.

I spent some time at my mom's getting my stuff settled here in a small place with ALLLL the animals:) It's been really nice, though being here. Mom & I have made dinner together and talked, it's been nice, that's all I can say. There has been a little bit of Millie & Digby drama. Both have been squeezing themselves through the bars of mom's fence. The first time I discovered this....picture Millie running around the field and Digby running around the legs of two big horses searching for his crack...horse poo! I flipped out!! By the time I got outside, he was running across to the neighbors towards their horse pen. There are several more horses in that pen, and not use to dogs running around them, like my mom's horses are. He wasn't listening at all to me. I was screaming in terror. All I could picture was a trampled Digby. Keep in mind that he also ran away at the storage place, he couldn't be found FOREVER. Turned out, he was in the horse pasture eating crack! I was able to grab Millie easily, but Digby was much harder. I did finally catch him. After I saw with my own eyes Millie squeeze through the bars, I knew something had to be done, so I pushed back when I was going to RC and reinforced the fence, no easy task. I couldn't leave until I knew my Millie was going to be safe. Millie escaped far moe often than Digby.

Being in RC is both amazing and weird. What I mean by weird is that it is not feeling real or permanent. I still feel like I am on vacation, and will be going back soon. I keep telling myself I live here now, but it hasn't sunk in yet. I do, though seem to get very excited whenever I recognize someone. I can't help it, I love it so much! For the past 12 years it has not been that way at all, and I missed knowing someone where I went. I think it makes me feel like I belong, that is the only way I can describe it. I saw Sean Coyne at Church Sunday, that was awesome! Oh, and hanging out with Suree and Cher, priceless. I love being with friends that know my insides, and are just happy to be in the same room with me, doesn't matter what we are doing.

The job front, slow going. I have been here a week and have not found an actual job. Leads yes, but no nibbles. Doesn't help that I didn't have Internet at my mom's, I do now thanks to Suree's hubby:). I also had lots of technical difficulties, so as a result I wasn't able to get access to my resume until yesterday, and I had to go back to Belle. I did apply for a Training job, and printed out my resume to send in the mail to them. I am really hoping for this job, I think it would be a lot of fun, and I am only in charge of myself! But, we shall see what is in the cards. I will go back to RC Wed. this week, and take my resume to a few places and drop off more apps, that I had forgot in Belle last time. So, I keep moving forward. Maybe when I get a job it will all feel real!

Anyway, I am here. I am home:)

To keep myself from crying more, cuz it has been a cry fest complete with PMS to make it more interesting and fun, I am going to update you all with a brief list of happenings for each day of last week:

Monday- Drove to work in the morning, took a deep look at the mountains in front of me and started to cry. They really are the best part of my drive to work. Felt apprehensive about telling everyone the next day.

Tuesday- My bosses waited to the VERY end of our staff meeting to announce my news. I lost it, and so did most everyone else. I don't know why but that reaction surprised me.

Wednesday- I never realized in a million years that I would be someone who people really actually respected in my profession. Although good to realize this, it did make me wonder if I was doing the right thing. I am losing a professional job here, part of my identity. What am I crazy?! My Realtor came over to give me the contract. Looks like the best way to get out of my mortgage is to go into a Short-Sale. This means we set up the asking price low to move it, sucks.

Thursday- Was feeling pretty good today about my new prospects for my future. I really feel that I am suppose to be going in a new direction and all the pieces will fall into place. Then we offered one of my teachers my job. This person has always given me mixed feelings. I am worried that she could dismantle everything I have built up, and I think she could become our CEO's spy. That is a long story in itself. My boss wanted someone easier to train, and because she has knowledge of CPCD, classroom, and Literacy....not to mention she doesn't have to go through the hiring process, she is the one. I had to go a long with an outward positive attitude as to give her a fair shake, but it pisses me off too. Again, am I making the right decision?? People who heard about the move were less than enthusiastic. But it is what it is.

Friday- Exhaustion. I came home late, and was so tired all I could do was make dinner, pour a glass of wine and cry on the couch.

Saturday- My friend Yvonne came over to get me really started on the packing. I still only had 4 boxes packed plus several suitcases of clothes. Why is it I don't think I have anything to wear until I move!? Anyway, she helped me get my kitchen packed up, that was huge! Thank you Yvonne. She is the only one from work who actually followed through with her offer to help pack. My Realtor came by and put the sign up in the front lawn. That was a pause. Owning my house has been hard, but seeing that sign about killed me. This was my place, mine....

Sunday- Of course I am procrastinating with the packing!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Zefz4m8ER9

This song came on the radio as I was driving home from work yesterday. I had just sent in my resignation and was feeling panic, tears welling up. Then I heard this song. It reminded me that I am going in the right direction. A direction I have needed to go for a long time.

Not to say that leaving here feels good at the moment. I am grieving the loss of the dream I had when I first moved here, a dream that didn't pan out. But I gave it a good go for the past 12 years! I have just stalled here. I will miss the co-workers that always had my back. I will miss my silly chiropractor that thinks it is hilarious that I am from SD, said good-bye to him today. I said good -bye to my wacky fun hair lady who gave me wine as she did whatever she wanted to my hair. I told my former boss and mentor of my decision this last Monday. We cried together, and she begged me to stay. She said that they would even get me into another position, one completely out of the compliance arena. When I told my current boss, she cried too! I wasn't expecting that. I have been getting to know her style this past year, but wasn't completely there. I told 2 of my past peers, who are still at work but in different jobs because of the reconstruction of our department last year. One of them cried, which made me cry too. I have been doing a lot of crying. But I am ready for the new phase. I have 2 more weeks of good-byes to come before it is all said and done. I may go to my favorite dogpark today and stare at the beautiful mountains that brought me here. Tuesday, I tell the rest of my department. One day at a time.

I said Good-bye to my church, I think, today. I didn't feel bad about leaving behind the creepy guy that asked me out last time, cuz he is still being weird and creepy. However, something slightly ironic did occur. A lady from church approached me and said that she and the paster's wife have been praying about starting a bible study for us single women. She said they were afraid that singles will end up leaving the church if they didn't do something. I know that is true. Unfortunately for me, I will most likely be gone when it starts, but I told her that it is a real need in our church, and I am so glad they are going to do this. So, I felt a little sad, but I don't think it is a "sign" to stay. The sermon seemed tailored made for me too. One very big phrase came out, "Do not be afraid of your enemies". One example he used is someone who wants to write a letter to the editor about something they find morally wrong, but are afraid of exposing themselves and leaving them open to back lash. I plan on writing a letter to our Board before I leave, but have been shying away from it slightly because of this reason. So, I guess I am still writing my letter. Paster also said, don't quit. I have put something in motion here. I know in my heart it is the right thing to do, but I have waves of emotion over it because I will be letting people down in a big way. I will miss what I love about Colorado, and even though I have been lonely here, I have a fear of what lies ahead. I want to trust with all my heart, so I have to reaffirm my trust several times a day. I still don't have a line on a job, but my sense is that I need to leave the first week of Oct. and the job will come. I will have paid my mortgage by then, and will be ok with that until Nov. So, this means I am putting in my resignation this week, most likely Friday. None f this feels good at all, but I know with every fiber of my being that this is what I am to do. Another point the paster talked about, be obedient. Ok Lord, you asked for it.

7 things that I love:

1. God. I don't always put God first, but that is where he should be. Even though I fight him on most everything, he always proves he knows best.

2. Friends. My true friends have been with me a long time, and have seen me through a lot of good and bad times. I would not have gotten through these last three years with out all of you.

3. Coffee. LOVE IT!! What else can I say. I don't care about the negatives, coffee makes me happy, and keeps the headaches away;)

4. Family. I may have a somewhat dysfunctional family, but they have always loved me no matter what, and have always and will always be there. I think I was suppose to live away from them for a long period of time so that I can finally realize how much they mean to me.

5. Really Good Food. Let's face it, I like to eat! There isn't much I won't eat or try, even chocolate covered bacon with roasted almonds on top. Food also makes me happy.

6. Girlfriends. I can't wait to live near some really awesome girlfriends!!

7. My dogs. My dogs, starting with Rooby, opened up a whole new world for me. They are my kids, and they love me even when I lose my temper. They never hold it against me. They are so happy to see me when I come home, and I never get tired of that. They were placed in my life to help make things less lonely. Thank you #1!

Flip!!!!!
I know what I am going to do,
and I am so full of joy I can hardly stand it!
The power of prayer and some very good friends!
Thank you!

Hard Choices, big scary decisions:

I need your opinion. Work is again raising it's ugly ugly head. I'll give you a brief description then ask you to weigh in on the 2 directions I need to consider.

You all know from previous posts about work in the last couple of years that the culture has been moving away from being a family business to a something more like a cold corporate hostile environment. Last year my department was the target with the major restructuring that happened and many people feared would lose their jobs. It was a very painful process. This year the targets are other departments mainly, but HR is again flexing their power over everyone. One lady who has been with us for many years was given 3 choices yesterday. 1) Be fired. 2) Resign 3) or be demoted. As humiliating as that was, she chose to be demoted because she needs a job. She has never been under disciplinary action n the past, so...... Another very sweet nurse, also been with us for years, was written up this week with a series of several stupid silly offenses that went back to 2005! One example is she was 6 minutes late for a meeting once. The write up was clearly designed to push her out, and if she didn't go all she had to do is breath wrong, and she would be fired. She chose to retire early. Many staff, including me received write ups (serious ones) because we missed a deadline in getting a web based training completed. The training deadline was in the middle of our major training week, and classrooms had only a few days to set up their classrooms. As for me, I was DOING trainings, orienting new people, trying to get new Supervisors set, starting a new program.......We all know we screwed up by missing the deadline. I expect to be held accountable, as well as to hold my staff accountable, but the punishment in this case is very drastic and does not fit the offense. I wanted to talk with my staff, establish with them that they needed to get it done, set a date that it must be done, and document it. The next step if it was still not done is an informal write up with another deadline, and a strong message that the next time there will be a formal write up. This was not a safety issue, it does not warrant an immediate formal write up. HR wants to send a message. A message of fear in my opinion. By doing this, really what they are doing is sending a message that you can be written up and possibly terminated for any offense. So...... these are my 2 recourses as I see it. Regardless, it is time to go:
1) I resign and walk away. In resigning, I can have an exit interview with HR, which will give me the opportunity to explain why I am leaving. Problem with this is I walk away with only my last paycheck, and if HR doesn't want to let anyone know what I said, they will just bury my statement. The good thing is I can use them as a reference (which is, she was employed here at such and such dates) and I don't have the stigma of being fired. I can put my house up for sale, and leave town hoping to get a good job very soon because I will still have a mortgage. I may have to declare bankruptcy.
2) I can take a stand and refuse to have my teachers sign their PIP's (formal write up). One major reason for this is staff may not be eligible for tuition reimbursement with a PIP in their file, this includes me. PIP's never leave your file, and if HR ever wants a reason to get rid of you quickly, they already have a PIP in your file to use against you. By me refusing to sign mine or letting my teachers sign theirs, I will be seen as adversarial. Most likely I will have set myself up to be fired. The good thing about that is I am eligible for unemployment benefits, I may have a clause in my home insurance that if fired they will pay my mortgage for a time buying me time. I am looking into the insurance thing now. The bad thing(s) is I will have a very ugly battle of wills with a man who hates women with a passion. He will do everything in his power to humiliate me. Plus the fact that I was fired from an organization, respected in the state of Colorado, that I have been with for nearly 10 years. But I may have time to get my house on the market, move and get a job before I have to start paying the mortgage again.

I think my plan is to live with my mom, and find a job in RC. I am looking at selling everything, which kills me and that is very hard to explain to you all because it is just stuff. I have my 3 dogs to worry about, it is not an option to give them away, they are my family. I hate this feeling of utterly no security, but I also think God has been pushing me to go here. Complete and total surrender. The last piece of the puzzle, and the most painful for me. I think about Bobby's post about being totally obedient to God, and can I do it? Advise and prayers please.

Can you say....
PMS?
Not to minimize how I am feeling,
not at all I feel it.
However, it is more intense during this week.
I realized last night where I was in the month:)
Today was better.

I'm tired of being sad.
I'm tired of being lonely.
I just really want to go home,
but I can't.
I don't know how.

Can you say "Awkward?"??

Today, I did Coffee at church. I love doing coffee because people have to come to me and talk to me, and it is an easy exchange with the starting topic of... coffee. Anyway, it is about the only time I feel plugged in to church. But something happened today that was way out there in my book. This guy, Frank, is sort of a d0-it-all maintenance guy, came over to talk to me, and basically harass me for being late. This is a regular occurrence, because it is usually he who gets the coffee started because I am late getting there most of the time. Usually it is just a little banter then it is over, I move on to talking to others & making coffee. Today was different. He hovered today, kept coming back over to talk to me. He asked more than once of he could help me, but I really don't need another person in there, it's a tight squeeze as it is. Plus I am faster on my own. So, I politely decline each time. Then he asks me if I am a Facebook or My Space person. I tell him Fb. He asks if he can be my friend on Fb. I said sure! He said, you know I should get your number, I didn't think anything of it at first, so I gave t to him, thinking that I really do need some friends. Then he asked what things I like to do. Next, he says we should hang out sometime. I'm like, sure.... Ok, I really thought he was married this whole time I have been coming here. I knew he has 2 kids, and I thought I saw a woman with him before, but I guess I don't know anything for sure. So, the next time he came around, I checked for a ring, and was dismayed to not see one. He kept saying things like, so you think it is a good idea if we do something sometime? It started to dawn on me that he isn't looking for a "friend", he wants to date. So, about the third time he asked if I thought it was a good idea we hang out, I made myself say something. I do NOT want to lead anyone on, and you can probably guess I wasn't loving this attention from him. I said, what are you looking for, because I am just looking for friends right now. VERY awkward to say the least. He said, well yeah friends then we see what happens. He got pulled away then, and I slipped out of church as fast as I could. He called me on my way home, and apologized if he freaked me out, and said I could call him sometime. Now what am I suppose to do? I wanted to be connected at church, but this wasn't part of the plan. He is very much a part of things at church, and is at everything. This doesn't help my current feelings about going to church right now. What do I say to him??

Thanks Bobbi, that was fun!
Try it everybody. It does make me want to watch the show now. I watched the lead guy on Saturday Night Live last night, he is a really good actor and very easy on the eyes!

Man enough to attempt to play tug-o-war with Rooby!

(Pre- Groomin)

The Digby saga ends, finally! He is mine:) It was an ordeal of my making that lasted just about a month. Turns out if I would have asked for him in the first place, like before there was anyone interested in him, which there hasn't been anyone for a long time, they would have let me adopt him! This is what I let my brain do to me:

A few months back, I watched an Ellen DeGeneres episode about her adoptive dog that ended badly. She adopted a dog from a rescue place. The dog wasn't doing well with the dogs she already had, and a friend's kids started bonding with the dog. So, she decided it would be good for everyone to give the dog to her friend with the kids. Ellen didn't realize that she had broken a major rule with this particular agency. You are not to give away the dog for any reason without clearing it with the agency. So, the rescue took the dog back from the family Ellen gave him to. On the TV show, Ellen in tears, pleaded with the agency to give the dog back to the family because they had bonded, and it was Ellen who messed up and not the family. The agency never did give the dog back, instead they adopted him out to someone else. It was pretty hard to watch, and obviously made an impact on my brain. I had visions of something like this happening if I asked to keep Digby. I decided that all rescues must have rules like that, so I really thought they might take him away if I told them I wanted to adopt him, because I would then be a "Foster Failure". I knew I couldn't ever foster again, that's what I told myself. And Digby belongs to them, so what would stop them from attempting to take him back?! I know that sounds ridiculous, but this is what kept replaying in my head all summer. I thought about just keeping him and ignoring the rescue place completely when they would call me to have him come to events, but I just wouldn't be able to look God in the eye one day if I did that. I also told myself that maybe there won't be anybody wanting him, and the the agency will just forget about me & Digby. Life just can't be that simple. Pretty soon they started calling me for all kinds of events. The rescue was stepping up their marketing plans. While I was on vacation, I decided that I was just going to have to bite the bullet and find out our fate. I made up my mind to call the agency when I got home see what happens. Of course, this wasn't even going to be that easy! Before I got home from SD, I found out someone wanted to meet Digby. I really panicked then. I waited to respond, then I decided I had to go for it anyway. I emailed them, cuz I am a big fat chicken, and asked if I could adopt him. I waited for a response on pins-n-needles. They finally did write back, and what they said surprised me and filled me with dread both at the same time. They told me that they had no problem with me adopting him, however there has been a family that has been waiting to meet him, and he is still eligible for adoption per the website, so they wanted to be fair to them also. I got the feeling though, right or not, that if they met him & like him, and also wanted to keep him, I could lose him to them. Total strangers to Digby. But I had to force myself to go through with what I started despite the strong urge to be old me and selfishly stop all contact and keep him. I took him to meet the people. They were very nice people, and obviously liked Digby right away. They also knew I wanted to keep him. Despite that little tidbit, they wanted to adopt him, of course I didn't find this out for several days after the Introduction. Usually the people let the rescue know with in 24 hours if they want the dog, so I had been worried for days. Then they call me at work one day, and asked me how I felt after meeting the family about Digby going with them? I burst into tears. I didn't know what else to do. I thought this meant he was gone. I couldn't stop crying, but I managed to answer the question anyway. I told them that I did not have a bad thing to say about the family, they were nice people, and they could take care of him just fine, but that does not change how I felt about Digby. We talked for a long time, me crying the whole time! When she got off the phone with me, she said that the agency has a big decision to make, and they would get back to me soon. Ok.... Wasn't sure what that meant. Several more days past until last Friday night. I heard the best message ever!! The lady said she wanted to talk to me, and that it was good news, plus I may want to change my answering machine! I though....what? No. I include the names of my two dogs on my machine so people don't think I live alone. I called, and that is when I heard it, I get to keep my dog! She also told me that she was so surprised that I thought they wouldn't let me adopt him. Turns out I can also still be a foster parent if I want to, ha! I told her the Ellen story, and we both had a good laugh over it. I could kick myself though. This could have turned out so much easier and better had I not let my paranoia get to me! Anyway, it really doesn't matter anymore, he's mine!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DL--Yqrj44A&feature=email

It's not letting me post the Ellen clip I was talking about, but you can find it on youtube. Iggy is the dog's name if you have to do a search.

( Post Groomin- why so pitiful Digby?)

Stay tuned, I do have stuff to say......................