Life Anew

Can't help but praise God here. He is really showing me how full my life can be here. How did I miss all of this before?? Anyway, I am enjoying my wart-filled house. I love doing something everyday day, however small or big to make it my special home. I love that my dogs are calm and happy. I have a space to call my own. Before, I would only see what was wrong and what I didn't have that others did have.

I am spending time with people who are my real friends. Now I know who are my real friends and who are not here. But I am also enjoying my alone time too. Not worrying about not always having something to do.

Today, I went to church. I got to work in the coffee bar, which is one of those things that God restored for me. It was like I haven't missed a beat. I love how appreciative people are for the simple service of providing coffee for them. At the end of the sermon today, they announced that they will be having a small group information meeting right after church. I thought, well here is my chance to see if anything has changed here with small groups. Before, I so wanted to be connected in the church, but there wasn't any groups available that drew me in. There was not a singles group formed at all. Only Married groups or women's groups that were really geared for women who were married. Anyway, I went and listened. They do have a small group for 20-30 somethings, but ahemmm I am now 40. The next singles group was for 50's and up. I am not sure if I can fit into the 20-30's group. Would that be weird if I go to that? Will everyone really be more in the 20's range? Other than that, not much else was offered. I am happy that they have formed a group that singles can be a part of. Oh, and I guess it isn't just singles, married people are a part of it too, which is great! More opportunity to meet people. So, I left feeling a little disappointed, and fought a tear, but shook it off. I decided I would at least email the coordinator of groups and ask if I was too "old" to go to this group. I went back to the coffee bar to finish cleaning up. I kept thinking to myself, God will figure this out. It wasn't long when this girl came up top me and asked if I remembered her. Her name is Vicki, and I worked with her through a District partnership. I didn't know her well, but I do know she is a sweet person and a true Christian. She started coming to this church a few months ago. She said she saw me sitting in the small group meeting. I told her about feeling weary about going to the small group for 20-30's because I just turned 40. She said she didn't think I should disregard it, because well, I don't really act like I am 40;) Had to laugh at that one, cuz well, I get that a lot. There is a get together tomorrow night with the whole group, and she is going. We agreed to go together for support. I had to smile, because God knows me so well. He knows I needed some help to get me there. So, I will see how it goes.

I start working with my Special Needs kids this week, and I am so excited to get started. Here's to a great week, everyone!

I have had the worst time deciding what to write. There really has been a lot happening, so every time I sit down to write to you. I get Karen's writers block. I really can't wait to be writing just ordinary everyday things, and not life changers or sad stories. But, I know you all deserve to know what has happened since I came back to CO, and if I am happy still about my move. So, I will tell this in short categories:

House: What I saw when I drove up in my driveway was a whole lot of weeds and neglect. It made me sad, but more happy to see it that I ever thought I would be. Weeds and all( and when I say weeds, I am talkin tall weeds all over the front AND backyard). I cried, and couldn't get out of my car for a while. My house!! I have vowed that I will love my house despite all it's short comings and the short comings of the nongardner who lives in it. So, even though I am not near where I need to be with the unpacking and things are a mess still. I love being home!

Dogs: Everyone, including me, thought my dogs would go crazy with happiness when they saw they were home. But they really didn't. I have noticed more subtle things about their behavior that have told me they know they are where they belong. Rooby has been calmer, for her that is. Millie is also more relaxed, but she is also funny. She does this thing with her head when she is being silly. She throws her head back as if she is laughing. She also started doing something she only does here at her house. She does this little hop when she comes in from the back yard. It's so cute! And how did Digby show me he is home? He didn't pee anywhere in the house.:)

Work/friends: My friend Yvonne came over the very night I drove back to CO. I didn't know she would be over, so a good surprise. Every day now for a month someone has told me they are so glad I am back. Makes me feel really good. It is weird that I am no longer a Supervisor, and I know there are plenty of people talking. I just keep trying to say how excited I am for my new role to start. I really am excited. I have come to realize that I was not liking the person I was a lot of the time while doing that job. I liked small aspects of the job, several superficial. I also know that I do not need that kind of pressure and stress in my life. God is showing me that I can really make more a difference in Special Ed. working with kids that don't really have a voice. I will feel less weird about everything once I can stop explaining myself, and dive into my new job. The people in my new department are great. Some I have worked with before. They are a tight group, but are good to each other and have a lot of fun whenever they are together. I really have a had a great time reconnecting with people since I have been back.

School: As part of me getting this new job, I have to finish my Masters. You would think that would be no problem, just sign back up for school and finish. Not if you are me and accustomed to sabotaging your circumstances. Technically I should have to start all over. Many of my classes I have taken are really old. I have 4 withdrawals and I am sure they have added a few more classes since I last took classes from this University. I checked into possibly transferring credits and going to another school. I would love to take classes just online if I could. But I found out that it is not that easy when you are in Grad. School as opposed to undergrad. Any accredited school will only take 6 credits from the former school. 6 stinkin credits!
   * Update- I can finish my Masters through the school I started in. I can't take classes online, but I don't have to register or pay for my old classes if I come to campus. I think I can handle that! I only have to take one new class. I will finish next summer '11. Just waiting to be accepted into their system!

I am going to post this as is, cuz I have other things to write about. I saw how long it has been since I last posted! Thank you all for your thoughts and prayers. They really got me through. Here's to a new much better normal!

                                           

Yet another circle?

So, I think most of you know that I am moving back to Colorado Springs. I am sad that I couldn't make things work here, and am going to miss my family and friends here more than they know. But at the same time, I am so excited to go back! I can't wait for my second chance in the Springs to begin. I have learned a lot about myself during this long ordeal of my own making. I know I haven't shared much about how the getting back to the Springs thing all came about. So, here is the short of it: 

Back in April, I read on Fb that my job was open again. One of the Supervisor's was having their baby soon, and wanted to be a stay-at-home-mom, so the girl that took my job switched to a 10 month position leaving my old job wide open. I had been missing Colorado and all the people there I left behind greatly around that time, knowing that I had made a huge mistake leaving. I called one of my old bosses, who has always been my mentor, to get the skinny. I really wasn't thinking when I made the call that this could be my opportunity to come back, I just wanted to know what happened. She told me why there was the vacancy, then proceeded to beg me to come back. I couldn't help but get excited about the idea, really excited! Really, there could be a chance?? I hadn't let it enter my mind that I could ever go back in a million years. She also told me that 2 people that made my life miserable had left. Well, one had left a while ago, the other one (you might recall that VP of HR guy who prided himself at being an ass) was set to retire in May. She asked me to call Janice, who was my most recent boss, to see if there was a chance. So, after praying over it with the help of Karen and Trevor, and talking to Carey who had an interesting perspective on the whole thing, I decided to call. I talked with Janice, and she was excited about the idea of me coming back. She told me she would talk to HR, and didn't think there would be a problem, even though I wasn't so confident of that. Janice called me back in a couple of days, and said that there were no road blocks to me coming back. All I had to do is send in my current resume, and I would need to interview in about a week. I did that, and I waited.

I waited awhile longer than I expected with no word. I finally emailed Janice asking what was happening. She wrote me back and said that they decided that they had to interview in house applications first, since the notice was sent out in house only at that time. I could interview after that, should be another week.

Another week went by and nothing. I waited almost 2 weeks before contacting Janice again by email. The email shot back that she was at a conference for another several days, so still waiting. When she came back, she told me that the interviewing process was being delayed due to conferences and vacations, but I should hear something soon. I started to really worry at this point. While I was waiting this whole time, I knew I had to make some decisions about my house and my job here. If I did get the job in CO, I needed to have a moving van booked early enough, and I wanted to give proper notice. I was hoping to give them a month to find a teacher for my classroom. Plus, my house was in danger of going back to the bank at this point, if truth be known. So, I started the work to get my house back just in case, thinking I could just give the deed to the bank if the whole thing goes bust. I was also looking for jobs here and houses to rent, like I have been doing for months now. I was able to get my house back in good standing, but still needed the job!

After another few weeks of waiting and worrying, I started to crack up slightly. No one from CO was talking anymore. I was getting no information at all, and not as much encouragement as I was before. This wasn't feeling right at all. But I also wasn't getting a firm no either. Actually was getting nothing.

One night, I just lost it. Not only was it now  June, but my window to give 2 weeks notice or more was closing in. I panicked, and actually called Janice on her cell phone. I am sure it was apparent by my message that I was upset, I can't hide my emotions very well. I simply asked that if the answer really was no, that someone just needs to tell me, I just need to know. She didn't call me back that night, so another day of waiting.

I finally got a call from her, and what she told me was there was bad news and good news. The bad news was that HR ( namely Ron) and the CEO would not support me coming back as a Supervisor. Officially speaking because there were good in house candidates for the job and I have left the agency twice. Unofficially because Ron didn't want me back in that role because he would have to "deal" with me. He had also decided to stay on another year to help get the agency through another Federal Review. He would, however support me going back as as Teacher, which I know he thinks is really funny and sticking it to me. My lady's in CD though fought for me hard. As a result, it was clear there was no budging as far as me coming back as a Supervisor, but they conceded at letting me come back as an ECSE, Special Ed. Janice asked if I would be interested. I was disappointed at first. Guess I thought I would be able to have a real do-over. Step back into my old life I selfishly gave up and make things right. I thought I really did love that job, I was good at it. Then I thought about it, and prayed. The more I did that the more I started to see that this may be what God has always wanted for me all along. I had several opportunities to be an ECSE in the past, but because I wasn't really wanting to go back to school I went in other directions. Plus, I liked that I had some power and influence in my position as Supervisor. I was respected, whether I felt it was deserved or not. But I am also good at working with Sp Ed kids. Kids that teachers are afraid of and don't want to understand because their plates are so full as it is. Whenever i have a chance to work with these kids, it is so rewarding. Not to mention, I can do my own thing without fear of doing something politically wrong. I don't have to be the bad guy, or swallow my principles to keep my job. So, I accepted the job! Now, I can't wait to get started! I still have to complete my License and re-enroll in school, so still have a few steps to go, but I can finally feel the weight lifting off of me. I did find out that Ron pulled some tricks to derail me getting interviewed, so it wasn't just vacations and such that delayed this process. Anyway, I feel happy for the first time since this whole thing started 9 months ago! I feel like me again. 

I can't wait to see my weed infested house!!! I can't wait to see the mountains again! I can't hardly stand how excited I am!! With all that though, I am so sad that I couldn't make it work here. Sad to leave my family, who are really sad to see me go. My brother even tried to find me a job in Buffalo to keep me here. I will greatly miss my friends here too so much, and their awesome kids. I am vowing to make more visits here happen once I am back on my feet. And hopefully some of you will come visit me too.

Banashed

The dogs, at least the big ones have been banished.

They are rebelling, they know this isn't their home, so things have been happening.

One thing after another.

Millie even growls at my roommate, who has been very good to her. 

So, Rooby & Millie will be going back to live with my mom. 

They aren't much happier at her house either. 

Similar things were happening there too. 

So much for having them with me.

Sigh.... 

If I could go back, would I? Yes.

It was all a big mistake. I listened to the wrong voice. I stepped outside of his will. I didn't wait for doors to open or close. I just left. I packed up my life and I ran. I convinced myself that God was pulling me in this direction back where I thought I would be protected and safe. Things got hard, and I ran. That is what I do, and that is what I did. Did I feel the pull to come here, yes I did. But I didn't wait to find out who the pull was coming from. I didn't wait to find out if this was a God plan for me. I know when God wants you to do something he will open the right doors, and he will clear the path. I didn't want to wait for him to show me if the doors would be open for me or if they would be closed, because I didn't want to be a grown up and deal with the life I had, a life that was not that bad turns out. I guess I thought that God knows what I will do even if it is the wrong thing, and he will use it for good. I just didn't anticipate learning this kind of lesson. From the moment I arrived in SD, it has felt wrong. I brushed it off for awhile and focused on finding a job. But no matter what work I found or where I found to lived, it was all wrong. Several people have wanted to know why I can't just appreciate what I now have and move forward, well I have tried. You might not see that, but I have. I just keep running into road blocks and I can't shake the feeling that I took the wrong road. I can't shake it. 

So, now I see where I went wrong. The same thing I struggle with all the time, and that is trust. I didn't have it. I didn't trust God to show me. I didn't want to wait around. I had to have control. When I was in CO, no jobs were presenting themselves to me in SD. My house was not getting any traffic, nor did it sell once I left. I struggled to find a job I could live off of. I couldn't, and still can't find a place of my own that I can keep my dogs. I have cost my mom more money than I ever want to really think about. I had decided that if this was truly a God thing, things would just happen. The path would just open up. It never did. Instead it continues to feel wrong. I listened to this weeks sermon by Dr. Stanley from In Touch Ministries today, and it really hit home. He basically said when you step outside his will for you, everything you have turns to ash. My life is full of ashes, that is how I feel. I have experienced Gods will for me in the past, and it is much different than what is happening now.

So, if I have a chance for a do over, yes I will take it. Recently my old job has opened back up in CO. I will be interviewing for it. My house is still there waiting for me. The people in my old job that were making life difficult have left the agency. This time though, even though I want to book a moving van and run back to CO right now, I will wait. I am 100 % waiting on God as hard as that is for me. If he truly wants me back there, he will open those doors. If not they will be closed forever. I will wait. I am waiting.

Hi from the removed.

After 6 months here in SD, things are slowly getting better. I just wish my attitude would keep up. Some time ago I started to run out of my happy pills, so I had to stagger them to keep myself from completely losing it. As a result I have been emotionally up and down. One minute laughing and hopeful, the next sad and hopeless. When things weren't going my way, instead of thinking about what is going right, I sunk lower into depression. My anxiety level at work is not good right now. I work in a program that is difficult to keep a normal routine going, which causes my kids to get pretty crazy, to put it nicely, which causes my anxiety to spike. I feel out of control, and am questioning my ability to be a teacher. Nothing I know to do seems to work when things get like this with the kids. I am frustrated. When I get frustrated I also feel down on myself. It is currently a vicious cycle. To make it worse, I have officially ran out of the happy pills. My emotions are even more erratic. Pile on the fact that I haven't had a normal bed until just this week, so I have had weekly migraines and severe neck and back pain. I haven't been keeping in touch very well, mostly because I feel sooooo negative. Who wants to talk to a person like that. Things are suppose to be rosy by now. I haven't seen my friend here much either. It has been hard because I had to go back to Belle every weekend since early March because my mom has been taking care of my dogs. I had to live in a motel for a month, and couldn't have my dogs. Living in the motel, although humiliating at first, turned out to be an ok situation. The people that owned it were amazing people. Just couldn't sleep there because of paper thin walls. My dog Millie has been experiencing anxiety since I have been gone, so my mom has had to clean up messes almost every day because of it. So, I would feel guilty staying in RC when mom has had to deal with my dog all week. Now I am here more often, dogs are with me, but I am in deep with depression. Everytime, I feel like calling someone, I just can't because I know I won't have many positive things to say, just so down on myself. So, this weekend I hung out in RC by myself, trying to get myself to snap out of it. 

Things that are starting to go right: My brother was here this week and helped me to switch my roomate's futon for my bed. I thought that futon was going to kill me. I saw a chiropracter Saturday, so my neck is getting much better. I am sleeping better, but still getting up for some reason in the middle of the night, have I started a habit? I really haven't had good sleep since I moved to SD. I am not a pseron who can function on erratic sleep. I do think sleep will continue to get better now. I am staying with a co-worker in her house temporarily. It is weird that the only space I have is my room, the rest is all her's, her things. What is good though, is she is letting me have my dogs here even though she has two cats. She is accomodating and nice. We get along so far. I just fear that I will inadvertanely do something to hurt this arrangement. I am accident prone, and this has gotten me in trouble in the past. So far I have accidently broken a drawer in the kitchen and broke a shade in my bedroom. I DON'T TRY to do these things. I wasn't being reckless on either occassion. Still she has been cool about things. I am living here on a month-to-month basis until I find my own place and roomate. I just recently got health insurance, so now I have to try and get an appointment that works with my work schedule. Anytime off needs to be requested  3 weeks inadvance, plus I don't have leave time until August. So, I am hoping I can get a late Dr. appointment so that I can finally get those happy pills. It sucks to know that I am a lifer, dependant on drugs to make me a normal person. I do know that i don't like this person I am at the moment. Here's to hoping that my next post will sound much much better.     

PS: Sorry about my spelling. Don't seem to have spell check on my blogger anymore, nor do I have a dictionary at my disposal;)

Hi

I am sitting here staring at the screen, not sure where to start.

So much has happened and not happened in the last 4 months, I just can't......

There were times here and there when I found a chance to write in the blog, but couldn't.

Kind of sucks to be seen crying in the Library.

And crying is what I do when I unload everything on you.

My blog has always been my outlet.

One good thing though, I wasn't then able to throw up on you and all over the screen.

At this point the best way I can sum up the last four months is the word

stripped.

It just feels like everything I was, am, and thought I wanted or was going to have here has been slowly stripped off of me.

I know this isn't really a bad thing, and when I come out the other side, and I will, I will be what and where I am suppose to be.

It's just being stripped hurts.

A lot.

While looking for more work, I have been reflecting on my life and where I hope to go from here.

I guess, now that I don't have a "career", I never knew how much you wrap yourself into having a career.

So much of your identity is intertwined in what you do for a living whether you love it or not.

I have been surprised at how humiliated I feel sometimes when I am asked why I left my job, and the look on peoples face when I tell them I haven't landed a career here yet.

Of course, it is likely I interpret a look that may not really be there.

I sometimes feel embarassed when I tell people that I am tutoring right now and haven't been able to find another part time job, and I have been trying.

Then there is the rejection.

I have applied for several serious jobs here, and have been passed over.

Sounds weird to say this, but that has never happened to me before!

I have always gotten any job I have set out for.

So it is hard keeping the old spirits up somedays.

I do have up days though, which is why I made myself write today.

Whenever I go for a walk at Canyon Lake Park, like I did today, I feel really hopeful and happy.

It's like the life I envisioned is just so close....

I can see it, even if I can't touch it,
yet.

New update:
I miss blogging.

I miss reading your blogs.

Things have been wonderful/and very difficult.

I quit the Insurance job today. I was asked if I was passionate about insurance, and ya know what? I'm not! My boss was much more difficult to work with than I thought, and I didn't completely change the course of my life to put up with all that again for a job that is just a job for me. Still tutoring though.


Still working on trying to get that Professional Training job. Was able to finally send videos of me, so that should help.

I may be selling my house this week....PRAY!!!! I do have somene interested & could see an offer. 

It actually has been fun living with my mom, even though she doesn't live in RC, which would make the whole job thing easier for me. We really have been bonding and connecting,  love it!


Downside: my dog bit off part of my mom's dog's ear this weekend. I FELT BEYOND HORRIBLE. I can't properly explain why, but this sort of thing has been happening in one form or another since I moved back here. I am so tired of feeling like I am a burden on people. 

Looking for another part-time job until I find the real thing. The coffee shop idea has been resurfacing for some reason. Hmmmm, will someone please tell me what I am going to be when I grow up???


Again, I miss you all.


 

Have you all been missin me, cuz I have been going through withdrawls for all-y'all! This is a very quick update today:

I can only seem to use a computer when I am at the Library, so blogs are not happenin for me right now. Don't forget about me please!

I have been training at my Tutoring job for the past few weeks. Will start working with kids this Wed. I will be working with 3rd-8th graders. Should be interesting, hoping it is fun too.

Started working part time at an Insurance Agency. Mostly I am studying for the License Exams, which I need to pass in January. It is like learning a foreign language! But when I pass, I can be a full time agent. The people there have been really nice so far.

Still hopeful at landing the Training Position I want so bad. I finally borrowed my cousin's video camera so I can tape myself talking for 10 minutes. I was trying to get my former coworkers to send me some footage of a couple of my trainings, but I guess they couldn't figure out how to separate me from the rest, so I don't think that is going to happen.

I am staying with my mom mostly, driving back and forth between Belle & RC. It hasn't been too bad, just makes for a long day.

Tomorrow night I am going to a Grown-Up Christmas Party for the Chamber of Commerce! My Insurance boss is a Vice-Chair on the board, so I have to go, but I am feeling excited about it. You never know who I may run into there! Got myself a pretty red sweater and some jewelry to mark the occasion. Haven't decided if I am wearing it with a pencil skirt and boots, or black dress pants. I will tell ya all about it when I can. Miss you all!!!!!

So, I am much sunnier today. I do feel there is a slight pattern here. When I spend too much time at my mom's house, as much as I do love her, I feel a pull down there. Maybe it has something to do with cigerette smoke that lingers in the air and the 10 animals that live in the house! Once I spent a day in RC, I started feel much more optimistic. That is kind of how it has been working. I really just can't wait for the day when I have my own place here in RC and I don't have to be separated from my dogs and live through a suitcase. There will be a day.

Hi, long time no hear from me.

Sorry I haven't written much. Mostly I am not really sure what to write. I guess maybe I thought I would have much more exciting happy things to write about by now. I have also been computer challenged these days. No internet at my mom's, and I share the internet at Suree's. I did make a packed with myself to only write positive things in an effort to also be thinking more positively, but I am challenged in that area also. I know it was a God thing to come here. I know it in my bones and my heart. But I guess I thought since it is a God thing that I am here, things will just fall into place. I had an unrealistic idea of how things would turn out once I was here. The house would miraculously get sold in a few short weeks, and I will have landed my dream job with benefits and all. Of course, I'm not really clear about what my dream job is, and the house is still unsold. I don't like always writing negative things either, so it is easier to not write when I am not feeling positive I guess, which is often lately. I try to look and sound optimistic when I talk to people, but my insides are a mess. I didn't come here to feel sorry for myself. I came here to start living. I want to start living now. I pray everyday for a better perspective and lay all my worries down at his feet, but it is getting exhausting. I am tired. I'm tired of me right now. I just so want to be happy, why is this so hard for me to just be....happy.

Living out of a suitcase

That is what I am doing. I have most of what is not in storage at my mom's. I pack a suitcase when I go to Suree's and a Digby, then come back to Belle for a few days, pack another suitcase and a Digby and go back to Suree's. This week, I packed a suitcase and Millie and came to Buffalo to hang with my Bro and Fam. Tomorrow, weather permitting, I am going back to Belle for the night, packing a suitcase again to go to Suree's to help her with her Jewelry party. I'll stay at her house probably the whole weekend, then go back to Belle until I have an Interview or something.

This appears to be my life at the moment. Not a bad gig really, just hoping to have a job before my money is all gone. I really have been trying to give this to God, but I AM FREAKED OUT! I really want to be that person that shows a 100% faith. I have always wanted to be the example, but never have been. I do believe God can do great things, so why can't I believe he can do them with me?

Stupid Facebook!

Facebook won't let me log in, all I wanted to do is tell people that I will be without internet until Monday night, and will have poor cell reception until Friday. I HATE feeling out of touch!!

Stupid Facebook.

Things I miss about Colorado Springs:
1. Pikes Peak and the Rocky Mountain skyline
2. Bear Creek Dog Park
3. My co-workers
4. My House (to a degree)
5. Bronco fans everywhere


Things I love about being in the Black Hills:
1. A LOT LESS PEOPLE!
2. Recognizing people I know once in awhile:)
3. Memories all around me
4. Good friends
5. Family so close
6. Beautiful scenery
7. Being able to help my mom when she needs it.
8. Closer to my God-child:) (I see him at the end of the month!!)
9. Within a reasonable driving distance to more friends.

Now if I only had a job.....

I guess this should say, Good-bye from Colorado. I haven't had much time to blog, and I have no idea what is happening in all of your bloglands, but hopefully now I can start getting caught up. I will try to capture what has been going on in the last week, but still could take me awhile to finish this. But here it goes:

I am not going into the actual move day, but I will say that having my brother there with me was a Godsend, I couldn't have done it without him seriously! It was hard to leave my house, I have to say. Anyway, I said good-bye to Colorado without a tear, but a little sadness. I was mostly just ready to get to my destination. Brook & I left at 2pm, so we knew it was going to be a long one. We pulled into RC at 10pm, very very tired.

I ended up renting a storage unit from Milt, the dad, which Brook finally talked me into to. But you know, it isn't that weird like I thought it would be. I think the time in Colorado really strengthened me and I don't feel like I can get sucked in. Hopefully I am not tested here, but I think I finally understand that I can be around him without wanting to dredge anything up, without hurt feelings, and not letting myself get sucked in to what goes on.

I spent some time at my mom's getting my stuff settled here in a small place with ALLLL the animals:) It's been really nice, though being here. Mom & I have made dinner together and talked, it's been nice, that's all I can say. There has been a little bit of Millie & Digby drama. Both have been squeezing themselves through the bars of mom's fence. The first time I discovered this....picture Millie running around the field and Digby running around the legs of two big horses searching for his crack...horse poo! I flipped out!! By the time I got outside, he was running across to the neighbors towards their horse pen. There are several more horses in that pen, and not use to dogs running around them, like my mom's horses are. He wasn't listening at all to me. I was screaming in terror. All I could picture was a trampled Digby. Keep in mind that he also ran away at the storage place, he couldn't be found FOREVER. Turned out, he was in the horse pasture eating crack! I was able to grab Millie easily, but Digby was much harder. I did finally catch him. After I saw with my own eyes Millie squeeze through the bars, I knew something had to be done, so I pushed back when I was going to RC and reinforced the fence, no easy task. I couldn't leave until I knew my Millie was going to be safe. Millie escaped far moe often than Digby.

Being in RC is both amazing and weird. What I mean by weird is that it is not feeling real or permanent. I still feel like I am on vacation, and will be going back soon. I keep telling myself I live here now, but it hasn't sunk in yet. I do, though seem to get very excited whenever I recognize someone. I can't help it, I love it so much! For the past 12 years it has not been that way at all, and I missed knowing someone where I went. I think it makes me feel like I belong, that is the only way I can describe it. I saw Sean Coyne at Church Sunday, that was awesome! Oh, and hanging out with Suree and Cher, priceless. I love being with friends that know my insides, and are just happy to be in the same room with me, doesn't matter what we are doing.

The job front, slow going. I have been here a week and have not found an actual job. Leads yes, but no nibbles. Doesn't help that I didn't have Internet at my mom's, I do now thanks to Suree's hubby:). I also had lots of technical difficulties, so as a result I wasn't able to get access to my resume until yesterday, and I had to go back to Belle. I did apply for a Training job, and printed out my resume to send in the mail to them. I am really hoping for this job, I think it would be a lot of fun, and I am only in charge of myself! But, we shall see what is in the cards. I will go back to RC Wed. this week, and take my resume to a few places and drop off more apps, that I had forgot in Belle last time. So, I keep moving forward. Maybe when I get a job it will all feel real!

Anyway, I am here. I am home:)

To keep myself from crying more, cuz it has been a cry fest complete with PMS to make it more interesting and fun, I am going to update you all with a brief list of happenings for each day of last week:

Monday- Drove to work in the morning, took a deep look at the mountains in front of me and started to cry. They really are the best part of my drive to work. Felt apprehensive about telling everyone the next day.

Tuesday- My bosses waited to the VERY end of our staff meeting to announce my news. I lost it, and so did most everyone else. I don't know why but that reaction surprised me.

Wednesday- I never realized in a million years that I would be someone who people really actually respected in my profession. Although good to realize this, it did make me wonder if I was doing the right thing. I am losing a professional job here, part of my identity. What am I crazy?! My Realtor came over to give me the contract. Looks like the best way to get out of my mortgage is to go into a Short-Sale. This means we set up the asking price low to move it, sucks.

Thursday- Was feeling pretty good today about my new prospects for my future. I really feel that I am suppose to be going in a new direction and all the pieces will fall into place. Then we offered one of my teachers my job. This person has always given me mixed feelings. I am worried that she could dismantle everything I have built up, and I think she could become our CEO's spy. That is a long story in itself. My boss wanted someone easier to train, and because she has knowledge of CPCD, classroom, and Literacy....not to mention she doesn't have to go through the hiring process, she is the one. I had to go a long with an outward positive attitude as to give her a fair shake, but it pisses me off too. Again, am I making the right decision?? People who heard about the move were less than enthusiastic. But it is what it is.

Friday- Exhaustion. I came home late, and was so tired all I could do was make dinner, pour a glass of wine and cry on the couch.

Saturday- My friend Yvonne came over to get me really started on the packing. I still only had 4 boxes packed plus several suitcases of clothes. Why is it I don't think I have anything to wear until I move!? Anyway, she helped me get my kitchen packed up, that was huge! Thank you Yvonne. She is the only one from work who actually followed through with her offer to help pack. My Realtor came by and put the sign up in the front lawn. That was a pause. Owning my house has been hard, but seeing that sign about killed me. This was my place, mine....

Sunday- Of course I am procrastinating with the packing!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Zefz4m8ER9

This song came on the radio as I was driving home from work yesterday. I had just sent in my resignation and was feeling panic, tears welling up. Then I heard this song. It reminded me that I am going in the right direction. A direction I have needed to go for a long time.

Not to say that leaving here feels good at the moment. I am grieving the loss of the dream I had when I first moved here, a dream that didn't pan out. But I gave it a good go for the past 12 years! I have just stalled here. I will miss the co-workers that always had my back. I will miss my silly chiropractor that thinks it is hilarious that I am from SD, said good-bye to him today. I said good -bye to my wacky fun hair lady who gave me wine as she did whatever she wanted to my hair. I told my former boss and mentor of my decision this last Monday. We cried together, and she begged me to stay. She said that they would even get me into another position, one completely out of the compliance arena. When I told my current boss, she cried too! I wasn't expecting that. I have been getting to know her style this past year, but wasn't completely there. I told 2 of my past peers, who are still at work but in different jobs because of the reconstruction of our department last year. One of them cried, which made me cry too. I have been doing a lot of crying. But I am ready for the new phase. I have 2 more weeks of good-byes to come before it is all said and done. I may go to my favorite dogpark today and stare at the beautiful mountains that brought me here. Tuesday, I tell the rest of my department. One day at a time.

I said Good-bye to my church, I think, today. I didn't feel bad about leaving behind the creepy guy that asked me out last time, cuz he is still being weird and creepy. However, something slightly ironic did occur. A lady from church approached me and said that she and the paster's wife have been praying about starting a bible study for us single women. She said they were afraid that singles will end up leaving the church if they didn't do something. I know that is true. Unfortunately for me, I will most likely be gone when it starts, but I told her that it is a real need in our church, and I am so glad they are going to do this. So, I felt a little sad, but I don't think it is a "sign" to stay. The sermon seemed tailored made for me too. One very big phrase came out, "Do not be afraid of your enemies". One example he used is someone who wants to write a letter to the editor about something they find morally wrong, but are afraid of exposing themselves and leaving them open to back lash. I plan on writing a letter to our Board before I leave, but have been shying away from it slightly because of this reason. So, I guess I am still writing my letter. Paster also said, don't quit. I have put something in motion here. I know in my heart it is the right thing to do, but I have waves of emotion over it because I will be letting people down in a big way. I will miss what I love about Colorado, and even though I have been lonely here, I have a fear of what lies ahead. I want to trust with all my heart, so I have to reaffirm my trust several times a day. I still don't have a line on a job, but my sense is that I need to leave the first week of Oct. and the job will come. I will have paid my mortgage by then, and will be ok with that until Nov. So, this means I am putting in my resignation this week, most likely Friday. None f this feels good at all, but I know with every fiber of my being that this is what I am to do. Another point the paster talked about, be obedient. Ok Lord, you asked for it.

7 things that I love:

1. God. I don't always put God first, but that is where he should be. Even though I fight him on most everything, he always proves he knows best.

2. Friends. My true friends have been with me a long time, and have seen me through a lot of good and bad times. I would not have gotten through these last three years with out all of you.

3. Coffee. LOVE IT!! What else can I say. I don't care about the negatives, coffee makes me happy, and keeps the headaches away;)

4. Family. I may have a somewhat dysfunctional family, but they have always loved me no matter what, and have always and will always be there. I think I was suppose to live away from them for a long period of time so that I can finally realize how much they mean to me.

5. Really Good Food. Let's face it, I like to eat! There isn't much I won't eat or try, even chocolate covered bacon with roasted almonds on top. Food also makes me happy.

6. Girlfriends. I can't wait to live near some really awesome girlfriends!!

7. My dogs. My dogs, starting with Rooby, opened up a whole new world for me. They are my kids, and they love me even when I lose my temper. They never hold it against me. They are so happy to see me when I come home, and I never get tired of that. They were placed in my life to help make things less lonely. Thank you #1!

Flip!!!!!
I know what I am going to do,
and I am so full of joy I can hardly stand it!
The power of prayer and some very good friends!
Thank you!