I feel like being Random today, so here I go!

• I love it that Digby loves playing with a squeaky ball he got for Christmas, but it hurts his ears. Every time he chomps on it & it squeaks, he growls out in pain, but he keeps doing it!
• I love that I live in an area that I can hike virtually year round if I want to.
• Why is it that I have 'blog' thoughts all week, but when I actually sit down to write, I can't remember anything but that they were funny. Sigh...
• I love that Millie won't play with toys unless we are all out of the room. Often when Rooby & Digby are outside, and I am in the shower, I hear her playing. :)
• Digby likes to be in the bathroom with me whenever I take a shower. I'm not really sure why this is, but when I announce I am taking a shower, in he comes. I have caught him a time or two peeking under the shower curtain. He just sits there and stares...weird.
• I bought a Topsy Turvy Tomato Planter the other day. Just have to wait until seedlings are out. We shall see if it works like it does on TV.
• The class I am taking (Curriculum Planning & Development) MAY kill me.
• I am going to start getting massages now. I am hoping it will help with the point above and with my back that is causing a whole lot of migraines.
• I can't stand it that it isn't as warm as I want it to be already!! I am ready for Spring. Ready to start all over with my plants and hopefully keep those pesky weeds away.
• I love that Millie still throws her head back as if she is laughing whenever she gets to sit with me on the couch!
• How come if Rooby doesn't want Millie on the bed, Millie won't come up even when I say it is ok?? Aren't I the alpha here? All Rooby has to do is give Millie a certain look, and she knows she is not allowed on the bed.

• What I love more than anything, is that I am going to be an Auntie again!

The difference is in which way my head is turned.

 

Ok, so I don't really like this angle, but I am not good at taking my own picture either. I should have had someone take it last night, but I chickened out. I am showing you this cuz this is the shortest I have cut my hair since 7th grade! I did it casual w/a roller brush & hair drier. Last night it was more 'done'. Today I look like a round circle.

I do like the back a lot, but the side to me makes me feel like I have a flat face. I don't know. Two days ago I liked it, today either I am grouchy or I don't like it. I will upload a pic tomorrow when I do it more, see if it looks any better. Opinions? It really is only hair. Next time, I may keep the back, but have the sides slightly longer than they are now. I really want a funky cute hairstyle, that is what I am going for. Wish I could show you the pic in the mag. I found the style in. Of course, I can't figure out how to do it like that.

YYyyyyuuuummmm!

Ok folks, you will thank me for this later, trust me! I found this recipe in Better Homes Mag., but I altered it for the crockpot, my faithfulist of cooking partners:) If you want the normal recipe, you're gonna have to call me, too much for me to type.

Braised Beef Shanks with Mushroom & Olives

Ingredients:

2 Tbsp olive oil

I used a Beef Chuck Roast (4lbs.) (or 4 bone-in beef shanks 1 1/4 in. thick)

salt & pepper

2 large onions, chopped (2 cups)

2 med. carrots, coarsely chopped (1 cup)

3 cloves garlic, minced

3/4 cup dry red wine

1- 14 1/2 oz can undrained diced tomatoes with basil, garlic, and oregano

1 cup beef broth

12 oz cremini or button mushrooms (I used mushrooms), quartered or halved

3/4 cup pitted assorted olives

gnocchi (is optional, but I used it & loved it!)

*****

1 recipe Fresh Herb Topper:

1/4 cup chopped fresh Italian (flat leaf) parsely

2 tsp finely shredded lemon peel (I used Lemon Peel spice)

3 cloves garlic, minced

****

Directions:

Sprinkle beef with salt & pepper. Put in crockpot. Add onions, carrots, and garlic. Add wine, tomatoes, beef broth. Cover and cook on low 6 to 8 hours. Last half hour add in the gnocchi, mushrooms, and olives. To serve, sprinkle the Fresh Herb Topper on top and enjoy!

Seriously loved this recipe!!

 I haven't blogged about my job much on purpose I think. I am still not 100% sure why, but I think I can guess that I may be holding back on that because I am afraid of losing it some how. I really love what I am doing now. I love it love it love it! I am not perfect at it by any means. I deal with the 7 year gap in Special Ed everyday, but the instinct I have always had with kids is still there. The rest I am drawing on from when I was last an ECSE (Early Childhood Special Educator) for the most part, and from trainings & the classes I am taking right now. I am learning and relearning a lot right now, and I love it! I worry though, of course I do, that's who I am. I worry that HR will find a away. I worry that I will end up getting kicked out of Grad. School because of how long ago I started the program. I also worry about how people perceive me in this new role, because I left as a Supervisor (a job with status), and because  of how I left. Even though many people were happy to see me back, I feel like I came back under a cloud. Most days my former life feels like a distant memory. There are moments that remind me of the cloud every so often though. Could be something simple like seeing my old desk discarded in the hall, or how someone treats me that hurts. I have been finding out who really are the people that care about me. I have been working through things one day at a time. I have to give moments like I just described to God, and each day I pray that God takes my need to show people I can do this job (my ego) out of the equation so I can do what he needs me to do with each of his kids I am working with. This has made big difference for me. I like who I am becoming. I like my role now working with teachers so much more than I ever use to. And I love  each of the kids I work with:)

For Bobby and Karen

My List for Qualities I would love to have in my Future Husband:

(As written in 1/21/07)

1. Loves God & is active in Relationship with him.

2. Sense of humor.

3. Intelligent but down to earth.

4. Able to listen & give.

5. Able to appreciate who I am on the inside & how far I have come.

6. Able to show feelings.

7. Strong in spirit & in body.

8. Able to take care of me, but also able to be taken care of.

9. Love for music- singing or playing.

10. Willing to be a partner.

11. Love for the outdoors- camping & hiking.

12. Good with money.

13. Has a good family-that will love me too.

14. Nonjudgmental & not prodigious.

15. Will love my faults too.

16. Will know my heart despite what I say.

17. Animal lover.

18. Doesn't mind cleaning or cooking also;)

19. Independent but committed to me.

20. Able to forgive.

21. Has no major addictions, but if he does has worked through them.

So, I have thought a lot about this, and it isn't the physical that I want. It is just easier to talk about physical characteristics. I have said that, there is a lot more I am looking for. I also have said that I typically don't fall for guys that are beautiful to look at, far from it usually. Just as a side note here too, I know it may be impossible to find someone with all these qualities, but hopefully he has the major ones.

Ok, so not much interest in my quest for sound dating advice. Even so, I am going to plug away, even if I am only writing this for myself. I know most of my friends maybe can't relate to me since you all have been married for so long, and I am...well 40 and still single. So, I decided to be open about my blog idea for dating advice that I will swear to follow to the letter to people I hang out with outside of my blog circle. I have not jumped in to the cyber dating world yet, I am in a spending freeze right now. So that will have to wait for now. Not discounting it, just can't afford it. There is also this little voice telling me not to yet.


I told my friend Tara about my plan, we started talking about all the silly ways I could meet guys. We were sitting at this great new tapas place drinking wine, when our very cute waiter came up. I was feel flirty, and said something breezy to him, but he walked away before he really even had a chance to hear me. He wasn't even flirting for a good tip! I had already drank a full glass of yummy wine, so I said as much, but I guess a little louder than I intended. Tara was laughing, and said 'uh, that was really loud!' He wasn't very talkative the whole time we were there, but after this incident, he seemed to smile more at me, and linger slightly. I then thought, maybe he isn't a flirty type of guy, maybe he is shy. Tara's boyfriend came in then. We got him up to speed with what we were talking about. Cute waiter came by, then left. Dan, Tara's man, said he's interested. I said, how do you know? He said because the guy looked you in the eye. Dan then asked if I had a card. I didn't, so he found something I could write on. He then said write him a short note and give him your number, what do you have to lose? I decided, yeah, worse-comes-to-worse I will have least made him feel good. So, I wrote a short note & my number. Dan took the card, and stayed behind when we left. Dan gave the waiter the card. When Dan came out, Tara asked what happened? Dan said he was all teeth:) So, you never know. Anyway, I did it. I jumped out of my tight comfort zone, and gave the advice a shot. You know what it was fun! Now what??

Sorry for the blurry picture here. I thought I would take a break from my dating saga (so-to-speak) to write about about my weight control venture. I really wanted to take a picture of what I am actually using, but I am lazy with my camera these days. Anyway my diet is the same thing I have done before, portion control!! I read in Shape Magazine that you can still lose weight by eating 4 meals a day (healthy of course!), instead of the popular small six meals a day. I have tried the 6 meals a day method before, but either I get too busy to remember to eat all six, or some of the meals get a little bigger than they are suppose to. I just can't eat all tiny meals, there has to be at least one meal that is a real meal!! So, anyway Shape said that, although watching your portion size is important (use small plates), having solid good-for-you meals plus one snack works to help lose weight that won't come back instantly because it is not a short term diet, it is how you should always eat. They say you can lose 10 pounds in a month. They had some great recipes too that I plan on trying.

   Of course, I have to get back on the exercise wagon! I am ashamed to say that I hadn't even walked a single dog for 2 weeks during Christmas, and before that exercise was sporadic at best during both Nov. & Dec.!! Not to mention all the yummy yummy crap I have been eating. So, no surprise to find that my muffin top is now out of control. I hate that feeling of flab flopping over your jeans, and the look of dimples that should not be there on the back of my legs. My butt doesn't seem to get big, but flattish instead. So my plan is to check out CD's to exercise to from the library, cuz I am too po to afford the gym. So every two weeks I check out either yoga or Pilate's or a mixture of both. I got a stretch band, and some hand weights. Doggies are getting out with me more, which is good for all of us! I am looking forward to warmer drier weather that I can start hiking more often in. I am feeling much better, but have a ways to go.

   I read that foods with High Fructose Corn Syrup is a no no. I was shocked, when I started looking at my food labels how much stuff has this in it! It's crazy. You have to be careful about Salsa that you buy (for example), get only natural/organic ingredients when buying salsa, or make you own. I started buying real peanut butter, that I am slowly getting use to. I find myself craving my Jiffy at times, but real is not too bad. I know the more I eat it, the better it will taste. I do love that I am more and more conscious of what is really good for me, which can be confusing at times. 

   Here's to a healthier me!  Happy New Year 2011!

I have hit a small snag with the latest site that I tried is Chemistry. I had heard that you can use this site dating site for free, but what they really meant is you can take the personality test for free and set up your profile. I didn't know I would have to pay until some dudes expressed some interest in me. Dang it! It is about $50 for one month, or you can spend 26.50 a month for a six month commitent. I am looking for commitment, I really am, but am I willing to pay for it? Sheesh. So here are some of the other experiences I have had with other sites:

* Match site: This is the first site I used forever ago. I think I started using it back in 2002. I met some interesting guys then. Keep in mind that I was 32 then. I also met Blair through that site. For those of you who don't know, he was my last love which ended about 7-8 years ago. The last guy to break my heart. It has been that long since I have remotely let anyone else in. I don't know how to meet guys out there in the world because I am more likely too terrified to try. I have tried Match on a trial basis since then, years later, but the quality of guys has greatly diminished since then.

*Eharmony site: I thought, ok this is a site that is used by a lot of Christian guys. However, I have to say this was the weirdest dating experience I have EVER had! I met a guy who prayed out loud, as loud as he possibly could in a crowed restaurant. He had a serial killer look on his face most of the time. Plus he seemed to enjoy telling me what I needed to order, and how to cut it and eat it. He also told me that it was ok to hit a woman if she hits first. The next guy lied about what he looked like, then had the audacity to have people steak me out to make sure I looked good. He actually gave them the thumbs up when he thought I wasn't looking! Another guy thought, who said he was a Christian mind you, to touch himself while talking to me on the phone...seriously! So, no more Eharmony.

* I think next I tried Christian Cafe. By this time, I may have been feeling pretty disenchanted by all this. Keep in mind, I did wait a great deal of time in between using these sites. On this site, the guys that I was interested in could care less. Instead I kept hearing from creepy old guys, who were a lot older than me. They could have been my dad.

* Plentyoffish site: I tried this one, because I was done paying for my dating experiences. It's a free site that a lot of people are using. I thought maybe there would be a good pool of people. I did have one really good date, but he ditched me after that, I think it is because I wouldn't go to his house after dinner. It WAS the first time I met him, sheesh. Most of the guys on this site were jobless, go figure! I even met a homeless man on the site. Not everyone was jobless or homeless, but there were several. I did meet a guy that I really liked. He was averagely cute. He liked my sense of humor. He had his own business, and he was an artist. He also had a checkered past. He was a product of child abuse, had been married 4 times, and had three children. Not to mention that he was addicted to porn. He had 2 dates before he told me that one. When it was evident that he wasn't going to do anything about this addiction, it was over. 

I will give Karen's suggestions a try before I decide to pay for a subscription anywhere. I was hopeful about Chemistry because they have a really high success rate. They were featured on 20/20. Anyway, I will need to see, and probably pray about it. Stay tuned.

Dating sites do not have to be it for dating advice though, so if you think of something, suggest it! Ask people you know. I am open.

Ok ladies, I am starting the new 2011 dating campaign!! And you all have to help me!! I am turning my blog into a dating advice column for me! I will ask advice in many types of situations, and what's more, I will try out all the advice no matter how scared I am or wacky it is. I will journal about all my adventures. If nothing else, should be fun and silly! I have not dated in sooo long, and I am tired of it. I can't figure out why I don't have a man in my life. I have tried the "I will wait for God method" for the  past year, and although God still needs to pick my guy, I am bored and lonely...let's just face it! I like my life now, I want someone to share it with me. So, ready to help me out?? OK! Let the advice begin, I can't wait to read what you will have me do first!!

In Digby's bed!

There's  a kid under that red Santa bag!

All the best parts of Christmas.

You know you are in fact 40, when someone

you don't know very well tells you, you may be perimenposal!

When you are now required to get a mammogram.

When you take more than a multivitamin.

When kids look at you like you are insane.

When you can't wait to go home because you want to go to bed early.

When your hair stylists suggests you do something about your brow wrinkles.

When every bone in your body hurts when you wake up in the morning.

And when you have to stop saying things like "Up top!" (with hand raised up), cuz it just doesn't sound right coming from me.

More Rambles and musings

It is exactly a year ago today that I did this. It is interesting to me to go back and read that post, all the hope I had, and the feeling of not really having the sense that I belonged. I look at where I am a year later, and am amazed! I didn't lose my house, right now  I am sitting here looking around at my Halloween decorations I just found in a box and put up. My house us clean, for me:), and looking so warm and homey. My dogs are happy. I love my new job. I just love love being here. It was quite a journey I put myself on, but one I must have needed to be on to appreciate all that I have now. And one that brought me to my current job and new aspects to my life. I don't have near the amount of stress I had before. People don't tell me I look tired all the time anymore. I hear more that I look rested and happy. Gotta like that. I am not saying my job isn't stressful at times, it is. Last week a kid actually slapped me across the face! I have NEVER experienced that before. The kid doesn't have much language except what he repeats, so this was his way of telling me he was angry. What I love is figuring out what this kid needs and putting things in place to help the staff help him. The small victories are priceless for me. I am able to work more 1 on 1 with these kids, which teachers can't, so I can really make a difference.


Going to school, or really the homework part, is not going as great as I hoped. Mostly because I can't seem to find the time to sit down and work on my paper. Cher, I need some inspiration from someone who did this WITH kids and a husband! I keep finding something else to finish up, then before I know it it is already 8 or 9pm and I am tired. I just need to kick it in the arse I guess.


I am happy to say I love that it is fall. I am ready for the cooler temps., loving football, and am looking forward to the season changes. I just colored my hair to my fall dark blond and am ready to embrace my white-as-butt skin! Fall, bring it on!

Wooo hooooo! It's officially Football season!!

I am especially happy about this for this season because I did not get to watch much Bronco Football last year.

Nor did I see the amount of coverage that we have here.

This year, it is all good, and all about the Broncos!!

Go Broncos!

Random thoughts by Chris:

1. 
   
   Why does it take the whole friggin weekend to clean my house?!
2. 
   
   I love love love my new job, so why do I feel weird about telling people that?
3. 
   
   I wanted so much to be the one that God used to save my brother's marriage, but when you pray about this sort of thing and wait.....guess what God answers you! Who knew? I am not going to be the one who does that, nor is it my job to try and reason with my sis-n-law. A lady from my church prayed for me one night, and she had more insight than what I told her, it really hit home. She told me sometimes our only job is to listen and ask questions, let God do the rest. I cried, but I know she is right. I have a phone date with my sister-n-law tomorrow night.
4. 
   
   How much hair does one dog have???!
5. 
   
   My yard looks like crap....just sayin.
6. 
   
   Ever been hit on by a 60+ something-year-old in Wal-Mart? I have. Recently even.
7. 
   
   Why do most of my headaches/migraines wait for the weekend to happen?
8. 
   
   Can you say bored?

Prayers Please

My sister-n-law is walking away from the marriage.

Please pray that is can be reversed,

but if not that God can please turn this into good.

And pray for me, cuz I keep having strong urges to call someone someone and shake them.

Life Anew

Can't help but praise God here. He is really showing me how full my life can be here. How did I miss all of this before?? Anyway, I am enjoying my wart-filled house. I love doing something everyday day, however small or big to make it my special home. I love that my dogs are calm and happy. I have a space to call my own. Before, I would only see what was wrong and what I didn't have that others did have.

I am spending time with people who are my real friends. Now I know who are my real friends and who are not here. But I am also enjoying my alone time too. Not worrying about not always having something to do.

Today, I went to church. I got to work in the coffee bar, which is one of those things that God restored for me. It was like I haven't missed a beat. I love how appreciative people are for the simple service of providing coffee for them. At the end of the sermon today, they announced that they will be having a small group information meeting right after church. I thought, well here is my chance to see if anything has changed here with small groups. Before, I so wanted to be connected in the church, but there wasn't any groups available that drew me in. There was not a singles group formed at all. Only Married groups or women's groups that were really geared for women who were married. Anyway, I went and listened. They do have a small group for 20-30 somethings, but ahemmm I am now 40. The next singles group was for 50's and up. I am not sure if I can fit into the 20-30's group. Would that be weird if I go to that? Will everyone really be more in the 20's range? Other than that, not much else was offered. I am happy that they have formed a group that singles can be a part of. Oh, and I guess it isn't just singles, married people are a part of it too, which is great! More opportunity to meet people. So, I left feeling a little disappointed, and fought a tear, but shook it off. I decided I would at least email the coordinator of groups and ask if I was too "old" to go to this group. I went back to the coffee bar to finish cleaning up. I kept thinking to myself, God will figure this out. It wasn't long when this girl came up top me and asked if I remembered her. Her name is Vicki, and I worked with her through a District partnership. I didn't know her well, but I do know she is a sweet person and a true Christian. She started coming to this church a few months ago. She said she saw me sitting in the small group meeting. I told her about feeling weary about going to the small group for 20-30's because I just turned 40. She said she didn't think I should disregard it, because well, I don't really act like I am 40;) Had to laugh at that one, cuz well, I get that a lot. There is a get together tomorrow night with the whole group, and she is going. We agreed to go together for support. I had to smile, because God knows me so well. He knows I needed some help to get me there. So, I will see how it goes.

I start working with my Special Needs kids this week, and I am so excited to get started. Here's to a great week, everyone!

I have had the worst time deciding what to write. There really has been a lot happening, so every time I sit down to write to you. I get Karen's writers block. I really can't wait to be writing just ordinary everyday things, and not life changers or sad stories. But, I know you all deserve to know what has happened since I came back to CO, and if I am happy still about my move. So, I will tell this in short categories:

House: What I saw when I drove up in my driveway was a whole lot of weeds and neglect. It made me sad, but more happy to see it that I ever thought I would be. Weeds and all( and when I say weeds, I am talkin tall weeds all over the front AND backyard). I cried, and couldn't get out of my car for a while. My house!! I have vowed that I will love my house despite all it's short comings and the short comings of the nongardner who lives in it. So, even though I am not near where I need to be with the unpacking and things are a mess still. I love being home!

Dogs: Everyone, including me, thought my dogs would go crazy with happiness when they saw they were home. But they really didn't. I have noticed more subtle things about their behavior that have told me they know they are where they belong. Rooby has been calmer, for her that is. Millie is also more relaxed, but she is also funny. She does this thing with her head when she is being silly. She throws her head back as if she is laughing. She also started doing something she only does here at her house. She does this little hop when she comes in from the back yard. It's so cute! And how did Digby show me he is home? He didn't pee anywhere in the house.:)

Work/friends: My friend Yvonne came over the very night I drove back to CO. I didn't know she would be over, so a good surprise. Every day now for a month someone has told me they are so glad I am back. Makes me feel really good. It is weird that I am no longer a Supervisor, and I know there are plenty of people talking. I just keep trying to say how excited I am for my new role to start. I really am excited. I have come to realize that I was not liking the person I was a lot of the time while doing that job. I liked small aspects of the job, several superficial. I also know that I do not need that kind of pressure and stress in my life. God is showing me that I can really make more a difference in Special Ed. working with kids that don't really have a voice. I will feel less weird about everything once I can stop explaining myself, and dive into my new job. The people in my new department are great. Some I have worked with before. They are a tight group, but are good to each other and have a lot of fun whenever they are together. I really have a had a great time reconnecting with people since I have been back.

School: As part of me getting this new job, I have to finish my Masters. You would think that would be no problem, just sign back up for school and finish. Not if you are me and accustomed to sabotaging your circumstances. Technically I should have to start all over. Many of my classes I have taken are really old. I have 4 withdrawals and I am sure they have added a few more classes since I last took classes from this University. I checked into possibly transferring credits and going to another school. I would love to take classes just online if I could. But I found out that it is not that easy when you are in Grad. School as opposed to undergrad. Any accredited school will only take 6 credits from the former school. 6 stinkin credits!
   * Update- I can finish my Masters through the school I started in. I can't take classes online, but I don't have to register or pay for my old classes if I come to campus. I think I can handle that! I only have to take one new class. I will finish next summer '11. Just waiting to be accepted into their system!

I am going to post this as is, cuz I have other things to write about. I saw how long it has been since I last posted! Thank you all for your thoughts and prayers. They really got me through. Here's to a new much better normal!

                                           

Yet another circle?

So, I think most of you know that I am moving back to Colorado Springs. I am sad that I couldn't make things work here, and am going to miss my family and friends here more than they know. But at the same time, I am so excited to go back! I can't wait for my second chance in the Springs to begin. I have learned a lot about myself during this long ordeal of my own making. I know I haven't shared much about how the getting back to the Springs thing all came about. So, here is the short of it: 

Back in April, I read on Fb that my job was open again. One of the Supervisor's was having their baby soon, and wanted to be a stay-at-home-mom, so the girl that took my job switched to a 10 month position leaving my old job wide open. I had been missing Colorado and all the people there I left behind greatly around that time, knowing that I had made a huge mistake leaving. I called one of my old bosses, who has always been my mentor, to get the skinny. I really wasn't thinking when I made the call that this could be my opportunity to come back, I just wanted to know what happened. She told me why there was the vacancy, then proceeded to beg me to come back. I couldn't help but get excited about the idea, really excited! Really, there could be a chance?? I hadn't let it enter my mind that I could ever go back in a million years. She also told me that 2 people that made my life miserable had left. Well, one had left a while ago, the other one (you might recall that VP of HR guy who prided himself at being an ass) was set to retire in May. She asked me to call Janice, who was my most recent boss, to see if there was a chance. So, after praying over it with the help of Karen and Trevor, and talking to Carey who had an interesting perspective on the whole thing, I decided to call. I talked with Janice, and she was excited about the idea of me coming back. She told me she would talk to HR, and didn't think there would be a problem, even though I wasn't so confident of that. Janice called me back in a couple of days, and said that there were no road blocks to me coming back. All I had to do is send in my current resume, and I would need to interview in about a week. I did that, and I waited.

I waited awhile longer than I expected with no word. I finally emailed Janice asking what was happening. She wrote me back and said that they decided that they had to interview in house applications first, since the notice was sent out in house only at that time. I could interview after that, should be another week.

Another week went by and nothing. I waited almost 2 weeks before contacting Janice again by email. The email shot back that she was at a conference for another several days, so still waiting. When she came back, she told me that the interviewing process was being delayed due to conferences and vacations, but I should hear something soon. I started to really worry at this point. While I was waiting this whole time, I knew I had to make some decisions about my house and my job here. If I did get the job in CO, I needed to have a moving van booked early enough, and I wanted to give proper notice. I was hoping to give them a month to find a teacher for my classroom. Plus, my house was in danger of going back to the bank at this point, if truth be known. So, I started the work to get my house back just in case, thinking I could just give the deed to the bank if the whole thing goes bust. I was also looking for jobs here and houses to rent, like I have been doing for months now. I was able to get my house back in good standing, but still needed the job!

After another few weeks of waiting and worrying, I started to crack up slightly. No one from CO was talking anymore. I was getting no information at all, and not as much encouragement as I was before. This wasn't feeling right at all. But I also wasn't getting a firm no either. Actually was getting nothing.

One night, I just lost it. Not only was it now  June, but my window to give 2 weeks notice or more was closing in. I panicked, and actually called Janice on her cell phone. I am sure it was apparent by my message that I was upset, I can't hide my emotions very well. I simply asked that if the answer really was no, that someone just needs to tell me, I just need to know. She didn't call me back that night, so another day of waiting.

I finally got a call from her, and what she told me was there was bad news and good news. The bad news was that HR ( namely Ron) and the CEO would not support me coming back as a Supervisor. Officially speaking because there were good in house candidates for the job and I have left the agency twice. Unofficially because Ron didn't want me back in that role because he would have to "deal" with me. He had also decided to stay on another year to help get the agency through another Federal Review. He would, however support me going back as as Teacher, which I know he thinks is really funny and sticking it to me. My lady's in CD though fought for me hard. As a result, it was clear there was no budging as far as me coming back as a Supervisor, but they conceded at letting me come back as an ECSE, Special Ed. Janice asked if I would be interested. I was disappointed at first. Guess I thought I would be able to have a real do-over. Step back into my old life I selfishly gave up and make things right. I thought I really did love that job, I was good at it. Then I thought about it, and prayed. The more I did that the more I started to see that this may be what God has always wanted for me all along. I had several opportunities to be an ECSE in the past, but because I wasn't really wanting to go back to school I went in other directions. Plus, I liked that I had some power and influence in my position as Supervisor. I was respected, whether I felt it was deserved or not. But I am also good at working with Sp Ed kids. Kids that teachers are afraid of and don't want to understand because their plates are so full as it is. Whenever i have a chance to work with these kids, it is so rewarding. Not to mention, I can do my own thing without fear of doing something politically wrong. I don't have to be the bad guy, or swallow my principles to keep my job. So, I accepted the job! Now, I can't wait to get started! I still have to complete my License and re-enroll in school, so still have a few steps to go, but I can finally feel the weight lifting off of me. I did find out that Ron pulled some tricks to derail me getting interviewed, so it wasn't just vacations and such that delayed this process. Anyway, I feel happy for the first time since this whole thing started 9 months ago! I feel like me again. 

I can't wait to see my weed infested house!!! I can't wait to see the mountains again! I can't hardly stand how excited I am!! With all that though, I am so sad that I couldn't make it work here. Sad to leave my family, who are really sad to see me go. My brother even tried to find me a job in Buffalo to keep me here. I will greatly miss my friends here too so much, and their awesome kids. I am vowing to make more visits here happen once I am back on my feet. And hopefully some of you will come visit me too.

Banashed

The dogs, at least the big ones have been banished.

They are rebelling, they know this isn't their home, so things have been happening.

One thing after another.

Millie even growls at my roommate, who has been very good to her. 

So, Rooby & Millie will be going back to live with my mom. 

They aren't much happier at her house either. 

Similar things were happening there too. 

So much for having them with me.

Sigh.... 

If I could go back, would I? Yes.

It was all a big mistake. I listened to the wrong voice. I stepped outside of his will. I didn't wait for doors to open or close. I just left. I packed up my life and I ran. I convinced myself that God was pulling me in this direction back where I thought I would be protected and safe. Things got hard, and I ran. That is what I do, and that is what I did. Did I feel the pull to come here, yes I did. But I didn't wait to find out who the pull was coming from. I didn't wait to find out if this was a God plan for me. I know when God wants you to do something he will open the right doors, and he will clear the path. I didn't want to wait for him to show me if the doors would be open for me or if they would be closed, because I didn't want to be a grown up and deal with the life I had, a life that was not that bad turns out. I guess I thought that God knows what I will do even if it is the wrong thing, and he will use it for good. I just didn't anticipate learning this kind of lesson. From the moment I arrived in SD, it has felt wrong. I brushed it off for awhile and focused on finding a job. But no matter what work I found or where I found to lived, it was all wrong. Several people have wanted to know why I can't just appreciate what I now have and move forward, well I have tried. You might not see that, but I have. I just keep running into road blocks and I can't shake the feeling that I took the wrong road. I can't shake it. 

So, now I see where I went wrong. The same thing I struggle with all the time, and that is trust. I didn't have it. I didn't trust God to show me. I didn't want to wait around. I had to have control. When I was in CO, no jobs were presenting themselves to me in SD. My house was not getting any traffic, nor did it sell once I left. I struggled to find a job I could live off of. I couldn't, and still can't find a place of my own that I can keep my dogs. I have cost my mom more money than I ever want to really think about. I had decided that if this was truly a God thing, things would just happen. The path would just open up. It never did. Instead it continues to feel wrong. I listened to this weeks sermon by Dr. Stanley from In Touch Ministries today, and it really hit home. He basically said when you step outside his will for you, everything you have turns to ash. My life is full of ashes, that is how I feel. I have experienced Gods will for me in the past, and it is much different than what is happening now.

So, if I have a chance for a do over, yes I will take it. Recently my old job has opened back up in CO. I will be interviewing for it. My house is still there waiting for me. The people in my old job that were making life difficult have left the agency. This time though, even though I want to book a moving van and run back to CO right now, I will wait. I am 100 % waiting on God as hard as that is for me. If he truly wants me back there, he will open those doors. If not they will be closed forever. I will wait. I am waiting.