Sunday, April 11, 2010

Hi from the removed.

After 6 months here in SD, things are slowly getting better. I just wish my attitude would keep up. Some time ago I started to run out of my happy pills, so I had to stagger them to keep myself from completely losing it. As a result I have been emotionally up and down. One minute laughing and hopeful, the next sad and hopeless. When things weren't going my way, instead of thinking about what is going right, I sunk lower into depression. My anxiety level at work is not good right now. I work in a program that is difficult to keep a normal routine going, which causes my kids to get pretty crazy, to put it nicely, which causes my anxiety to spike. I feel out of control, and am questioning my ability to be a teacher. Nothing I know to do seems to work when things get like this with the kids. I am frustrated. When I get frustrated I also feel down on myself. It is currently a vicious cycle. To make it worse, I have officially ran out of the happy pills. My emotions are even more erratic. Pile on the fact that I haven't had a normal bed until just this week, so I have had weekly migraines and severe neck and back pain. I haven't been keeping in touch very well, mostly because I feel sooooo negative. Who wants to talk to a person like that. Things are suppose to be rosy by now. I haven't seen my friend here much either. It has been hard because I had to go back to Belle every weekend since early March because my mom has been taking care of my dogs. I had to live in a motel for a month, and couldn't have my dogs. Living in the motel, although humiliating at first, turned out to be an ok situation. The people that owned it were amazing people. Just couldn't sleep there because of paper thin walls. My dog Millie has been experiencing anxiety since I have been gone, so my mom has had to clean up messes almost every day because of it. So, I would feel guilty staying in RC when mom has had to deal with my dog all week. Now I am here more often, dogs are with me, but I am in deep with depression. Everytime, I feel like calling someone, I just can't because I know I won't have many positive things to say, just so down on myself. So, this weekend I hung out in RC by myself, trying to get myself to snap out of it. 

Things that are starting to go right: My brother was here this week and helped me to switch my roomate's futon for my bed. I thought that futon was going to kill me. I saw a chiropracter Saturday, so my neck is getting much better. I am sleeping better, but still getting up for some reason in the middle of the night, have I started a habit? I really haven't had good sleep since I moved to SD. I am not a pseron who can function on erratic sleep. I do think sleep will continue to get better now. I am staying with a co-worker in her house temporarily. It is weird that the only space I have is my room, the rest is all her's, her things. What is good though, is she is letting me have my dogs here even though she has two cats. She is accomodating and nice. We get along so far. I just fear that I will inadvertanely do something to hurt this arrangement. I am accident prone, and this has gotten me in trouble in the past. So far I have accidently broken a drawer in the kitchen and broke a shade in my bedroom. I DON'T TRY to do these things. I wasn't being reckless on either occassion. Still she has been cool about things. I am living here on a month-to-month basis until I find my own place and roomate. I just recently got health insurance, so now I have to try and get an appointment that works with my work schedule. Anytime off needs to be requested  3 weeks inadvance, plus I don't have leave time until August. So, I am hoping I can get a late Dr. appointment so that I can finally get those happy pills. It sucks to know that I am a lifer, dependant on drugs to make me a normal person. I do know that i don't like this person I am at the moment. Here's to hoping that my next post will sound much much better.     

PS: Sorry about my spelling. Don't seem to have spell check on my blogger anymore, nor do I have a dictionary at my disposal;)