Look out, it's PMS week.
This is when I feel my situation the most intensely. I have the hardest time dealing during this week. I am always aware that it is just me right now, it is just so much more acute for me when you add in hormones. I hate it. This is when my mind wanders to what have I done or not done to still be in this place? I must not be doing something right. Something I am just not getting yet. Bottom line is, I am just tired. Tired of feeling so lonely. I miss having good girlfriends to go to the movies with, to dinner with, shopping. I get that maybe I am not suppose to be dating right now, ok fine. But no friends? I know I sound pathetic when I write about this, I just get to the point after a while that I need to get it out. I really am trying, you know? I am trying to get to know people at church, it is just so hard because I am closed off with people at first. It is hard work for me to be open, and I am sure people sense that. So at church, I have acquaintances. At work I have work friends. But at night and on the weekends, I am alone. My Friday night is cooking dinner, watering flowers, cleaning up the kitchen, falling asleep on the couch. Saturday usually I catch up on blogs all morning, errands later, cleaning, maybe a walk or hike with the dogs, clean something, weed something, fall asleep on the couch. Sunday I go to church, eat lunch on the patio, read, go clean something, weed something, make dinner, get ready for the work week. Today at church we are studying the Book of Ruth, chapter 1. It demonstrates Ruth's ability to be loyal to not only her mother-n-law, but also to a God she didn't even know. Doing this while going into a new unfamiliar and possibly a difficult situation. With all of this going on, Ruth was able to be loyal through it all, and embraced the situation. I think I am suppose to embrace my situation, I just don't know how. A year and a half later with no good friends, I am doing a poor job of whatever it is I am suppose to be doing. I do keep praying to learn what it is that he wants me to learn, and that I am ok with this time with just him and I, but the nagging realisation that I really don't have much of a life keeps creeping in. Anyway, I am done whining! Thank you for reading this once again.