Wednesday, February 03, 2010


I am sitting here staring at the screen, not sure where to start.
So much has happened and not happened in the last 4 months, I just can't......
There were times here and there when I found a chance to write in the blog, but couldn't.
Kind of sucks to be seen crying in the Library.
And crying is what I do when I unload everything on you.
My blog has always been my outlet.
One good thing though, I wasn't then able to throw up on you and all over the screen.
At this point the best way I can sum up the last four months is the word

It just feels like everything I was, am, and thought I wanted or was going to have here has been slowly stripped off of me.
I know this isn't really a bad thing, and when I come out the other side, and I will, I will be what and where I am suppose to be.
It's just being stripped hurts.
A lot.
While looking for more work, I have been reflecting on my life and where I hope to go from here.
I guess, now that I don't have a "career", I never knew how much you wrap yourself into having a career.
So much of your identity is intertwined in what you do for a living whether you love it or not.
I have been surprised at how humiliated I feel sometimes when I am asked why I left my job, and the look on peoples face when I tell them I haven't landed a career here yet.
Of course, it is likely I interpret a look that may not really be there.
I sometimes feel embarassed when I tell people that I am tutoring right now and haven't been able to find another part time job, and I have been trying.
Then there is the rejection.
I have applied for several serious jobs here, and have been passed over.
Sounds weird to say this, but that has never happened to me before!
I have always gotten any job I have set out for.
So it is hard keeping the old spirits up somedays.

I do have up days though, which is why I made myself write today.
Whenever I go for a walk at Canyon Lake Park, like I did today, I feel really hopeful and happy.
It's like the life I envisioned is just so close....
I can see it, even if I can't touch it,