Sunday, May 23, 2010


The dogs, at least the big ones have been banished.
They are rebelling, they know this isn't their home, so things have been happening.
One thing after another.
Millie even growls at my roommate, who has been very good to her. 
So, Rooby & Millie will be going back to live with my mom. 
They aren't much happier at her house either. 
Similar things were happening there too. 
So much for having them with me.

Sunday, May 16, 2010

If I could go back, would I? Yes.

It was all a big mistake. I listened to the wrong voice. I stepped outside of his will. I didn't wait for doors to open or close. I just left. I packed up my life and I ran. I convinced myself that God was pulling me in this direction back where I thought I would be protected and safe. Things got hard, and I ran. That is what I do, and that is what I did. Did I feel the pull to come here, yes I did. But I didn't wait to find out who the pull was coming from. I didn't wait to find out if this was a God plan for me. I know when God wants you to do something he will open the right doors, and he will clear the path. I didn't want to wait for him to show me if the doors would be open for me or if they would be closed, because I didn't want to be a grown up and deal with the life I had, a life that was not that bad turns out. I guess I thought that God knows what I will do even if it is the wrong thing, and he will use it for good. I just didn't anticipate learning this kind of lesson. From the moment I arrived in SD, it has felt wrong. I brushed it off for awhile and focused on finding a job. But no matter what work I found or where I found to lived, it was all wrong. Several people have wanted to know why I can't just appreciate what I now have and move forward, well I have tried. You might not see that, but I have. I just keep running into road blocks and I can't shake the feeling that I took the wrong road. I can't shake it. 

So, now I see where I went wrong. The same thing I struggle with all the time, and that is trust. I didn't have it. I didn't trust God to show me. I didn't want to wait around. I had to have control. When I was in CO, no jobs were presenting themselves to me in SD. My house was not getting any traffic, nor did it sell once I left. I struggled to find a job I could live off of. I couldn't, and still can't find a place of my own that I can keep my dogs. I have cost my mom more money than I ever want to really think about. I had decided that if this was truly a God thing, things would just happen. The path would just open up. It never did. Instead it continues to feel wrong. I listened to this weeks sermon by Dr. Stanley from In Touch Ministries today, and it really hit home. He basically said when you step outside his will for you, everything you have turns to ash. My life is full of ashes, that is how I feel. I have experienced Gods will for me in the past, and it is much different than what is happening now.

So, if I have a chance for a do over, yes I will take it. Recently my old job has opened back up in CO. I will be interviewing for it. My house is still there waiting for me. The people in my old job that were making life difficult have left the agency. This time though, even though I want to book a moving van and run back to CO right now, I will wait. I am 100 % waiting on God as hard as that is for me. If he truly wants me back there, he will open those doors. If not they will be closed forever. I will wait. I am waiting.