Monday, February 16, 2009

Story about my mommy.

I know that some of you saw the prayer request that Karen put out for me about my mom. Thank you for all the prayers. I have been praying for my mom for a loooooonnnnggggggggg time, and I think I just need more help. My mom is such a good person, but during most of her life, she has not believed in herself or loved herself. She gave up on God, I think, a long time ago. My theory is that because of what has happened in her life, especially with relationships and how hard it was to raise us kids alone, she doesn't think that God has ever been there for her. She has suffered from depression, I think her entire life. She is really shy and introverted, which makes it really hard to form good friendships. Despite being smart, strong, and courageous in many ways, she has always been extremely down on herself. She does not normally fight for what she deserves or wants. She has made a habit of sacrificing herself for others or to avoid. My mom has worked so hard her whole life, but despite that doesn't really believe that she deserves to be happy or deserves everything she has worked for and more. Right now she is feeling very disenchanted with her job. She has given 20 years to a bank that works her extremely hard, but has never made the effort to pay her what she deserves. She won't ask or demand what she deserves, instead believes the worst. That she must not be worth what she should be. She really thinks that they don't value her work ethic and that she must not be doing a good job. My theory is that they know she won't ask or demand what she deserves, so they go on under paying her and asking more and more of her. She is afraid to even start to look for another job because of her age, why would anyone hire her so close to retirement in their eyes? And no amount of trying to boost her up helps. I tried to witness to her, I really did. I have been planting seeds for a long time now, but she only listens respectfully. I know she isn't buying it. I guess I am getting so tired of praying the same thing for her, and nothing happens. Years and years of praying. All I want is for God to get himself into her heart and hold on. I want her to let him in. So, now I need more prayer help please. I want, for once in my life and hers, for her to be truly happy.....and to know that she deserves it.

Sunday, February 01, 2009

It seems that I have dropped off the planet, well my cyber planet anyway! I have been busy working on having a life, weird! I didn't realize what a safe little world I set up for myself because I was forced to initially for the last 2 years. It is funny to me that it has been a little hard to let go of the routine I have set for myself. I had specific TV shows I watched every night. A routine. I come home, take dogs for a walk, exercise, make dinner, get on the computer, clean, at times do work at home, then by 9pm, it is time to veg on the couch with pooches. I have gotten out of the habit of calling people on the phone, of going out and having fun, of cultivating friendships.

Now, I am starting to live a little, and I find myself missing my Friday night on the couch! I get anxious if my week is too full because where is my down time?! I feel exhausted right now, because it is exhausting for me to relearn how to make friends. I also am exhausted with trying to fit everything in I want to do. I am NOT complaining, please don't think that, especially from all the whining did these last two years. I think this is just an adjustment. It just amazes me how easily you can get yourself into a safe little routine. So, here is a run down on what I have been up to:

1. I started learning how to play my guitar. Eric has been teaching me for free on Wed. nights. We sort of make an evening out of it. We both like the TV show Lost, so we practice guitar and watch Lost at the same time. I either go to his house or he comes to mine. This last Wed. I made him dinner as a thank you. We also talked until about 11pm. I was tired the next day!
2. I started going to a Bible Study group for singles, also with Eric on Tues. Nights. I really have only been to one Tues. night so far, and this Tues. I have a work thing to go to, so I won't go again until next week.
3. I am trying to connect with some friends, new and old. I talked to a girl that my friend Suree wanted me to connect with off of Facebook. We went to high school with her, she was in choir with us, but couple years younger than us. She seems like she will be fun to get to know, if we can find a night to actually get together. I have phone #'s for some other people that I haven't found a good time yet to stop and call.
4. I have been playing phone tag with that guy I told you about last time, Craig, who is a set up by a friend from Denver. We finally talked this last week. I think we will meet for dinner later this coming week if I can squeeze it in.
5. I starting trying to fit in a single/marrieds group from another church, the group is called The Carpool. It is suppose to be a 20's-30's group. Yesterday we had an event called Bowling for Tacos. We met at King Pin and bowled a couple of games, then met at someones house for tacos. I walked in by myself at the bowling alley, and there were a lot more people there than I thought was going to be there. There were a couple of familiar faces that I met before in Dec., but many new faces. I felt really intimidated because it was sooooooooooooooooo obvious that I was thee oldest person in the group! I did, though, kick all their butts in bowling! I was high scorer the first game, and came in at a close second the second game. At Grace's house, host for tacos, it was so hard for me to feel comfortable! They are all so nice, but young! It really felt like work. But I kept trying to find things in common. About the time they all started talking about graduating from high school in the mid-to-late 90's, I decided it was time to go home. I was exhausted at 7pm! I couldn't wait to lay down on my safe couch in my safe little house!
6. I had a date with Eric Friday night. I could not let myself relax at all! I really don't know why except that I really do try to over think everything, I just can't seem to help it. He and I are really suppose to be working on getting to know each other as friends right now, but the fact that he really wants more is hanging out there, hence the over analyzing on my part. He is being really respectful, and not trying to ne physical at all. I can not just be in the moment. Instead I am constantly thinking about the what ifs, and future, and what is God doing with this...... He and I can really talk about a lot of things, and that is great. I keep worrying though, that the just being able to let loose and laugh part may not be there. I did talk to him about that. He thinks that maybe I just need to see him in some different situations. I don't know, I really think my brain just needs to shut off! Anyway, he is really wanting to fill up more and more time together. He is asking me to do things all the time, and if you know me well, you know that causes anxiety for me. I don't know how to tell him that I can't spend that much time with him right away, because of that reason. I have dated long enough to know that that feels like rejection to a guy. If a guy is interested in a girl, he shows it by wanting to spend lots of time with the girl. That makes me want to run screaming! And anytime I have tried to explain that to a guy, they feel hurt and when they back off, they back way off. It has happened so many times before in the past. I don't want to reject him, so I come up with excuses to beg off. Like, I am suppose to go to a Superbowl party with him today, but I saw him Wed. night and Friday night, he asked me to go see a movie with him and his son (whom I have never met!) Saturday night (last night), and then he told me his kids will now be at the Superbowl party (yikes!). He also asked to go to church with me today.....I told him I don't feel well, isn't that dumb? I want to get to know him, but this is a little too much. How neurotic am I?!
7. I am skipping around a little, sorry, but I also wanted to include that I went Country dancing with a District co-worker last Saturday night. I did not want to go at all, but wound up having a lot of fun actually! I danced with several oldtimers, but they were great to dance with because they just wanted to dance, and they didn't care if I needed a little counting and coaching. I did however, forget that wearing high heals is NOT a great idea when country dancing. I developed a slight blister on my foot by the end of the night, but well worth it.
8. Mr. Digby started his first class, which of course I was 15 minutes late for!! It was a good class, he did really well, and I think we are going to learn alot!

Ok, are you as tired as I am? I didn't even go to church today because I could not get out of bed, and was so tired. As I am typing this, my eyes feel really heavy like I could totally go back to bed and it is 12:30pm! Again, not complaining, I just need to get out of this anxious state so I can really let myself have fun. Anyway, go Steelers!!