Sunday, November 23, 2008

Thank you, Carey!

I am flying out to Sioux Falls this Wed. to see one of my oldest and dearest friends!! Thank you for inviting me, and for not allowing me to spend the Turkey Day alone. Thank you also to all my friends for your thoughts, prayers, calls, and love. I love you all! This Thanksgiving I will be remembering all that I really do have to be thankful for. Thank you God, for reminding me.

Thursday, November 20, 2008

I'm sorry for the last post.
I think I am grieving the loss of what I wanted.
I am trying to look at it like I am laying down myself once and for all.
I am not saying I am going to curl up in a ball and stay there.
Not saying that.
I am just surrendering:
Though the fig tree does not bud
and there are no grapes on the vines,
though the olive crop fails
and the fields produce no food,
though there are no sheep in the pen
and no cattle in the stalls,
I will be joyful in God my savior.
The Sovereign Lord is my strength;
he makes my feet like the feet of a deer,
he enables me to go on the heights.
Habakkuk 3:17-19
I had a date Friday night. One that I was actually excited about. He is a Christian, close to my age, has a good career, and seemed to want much of what I want out of life. I was nervous too, I hate when I get nervous. I also felt hopeful. We have a lot in common, so I thought at the very least we would have a good time even if nothing comes from it. I told myself that God is in control, and he won't let me fall for anyone I shouldn't be with, and I still believe that. We had a good first day, I thought. He seemed to want to keep the night going, always suggesting we go one more place. He also touched my arm more than once and even hugged me at one point. I told him up front that I was nervous, and that I can hold back a little when I first meet someone. I wanted him to know there is more to know about me that what he will see the first time. At the end of the night, he said that now I have to ask him out. It was very cute, so naturally I thought he likes me. But that is where it ended. Before we went on our date, he texted me often and we talked on the phone for over an hour. After the date, he didn't do any of that. I am independent and a slow mover, so you know I was good about not pouncing on him. I waited a couple days before emailing him, but received no response. I waited a little while after that, and emailed again. I knew something was wrong, but what went wrong during our date? The other voice in my head also said maybe he is busy, and he did put the ball in my court. So, Tuesday night I called him, and it went straight to voicemail. I did ask God before hand that if this isn't meant to be let it go to voicemail so I can just leave a message. I said in my message, something breezy and funny, then I said that I wasn't sure what happened but he could call me if he wanted to. I put it back in is court. He didn't call me back, but I did get an email last night from him. It was your basic he-wanted-to-make-himself-feel-better email. He said that he thought I was a good person, but unfortunately we could only be friends. That is it. I resisted the urge to write back and ask how he came up with that after only one date, what's the point. I keep telling myself that it is most likely timing for him. It has only been a year since his divorce. But I can't help but feel so disappointed. Not because I lost this guy in particular but because it is painfully painfully getting to be obvious that I am meant to be alone. Yeah yeah yeah, you have heard this before. Don't read on if you don't want to hear it again. I am sad. I am tired of being alone. I am tired of feeling like this is all there is. I am in a job that is just a job, no good friends here, no relationship. No real happiness. I am tired of just moving slowly through life. I don't want to give up but maybe I am suppose to. Do you know I have not had close friends here for two years. I have not dated anyone special in four years. I have scattered dates here and there that all end up being disappointing. I am lonely. I keep crying out to God to lift me out of this, to make me ok to be alone, to help me only live for him, but nothing different happens. The one thing I have always asked God for is to not leave me alone in life. I can't stand it anymore! I am ready to give in. To whole up. I'm sorry positive thinking is not entering in here. I have tried so hard. I am ready to stop trying. I am suppose to mirror someones life, something I have fought for a long time, but I can't fight it any more. I can't. So......I don't know. I don't really know what to do. Prayer is not working. Hope is not helping. Please know I just need to get all this yucky stuff out of me. Hopefully, in time I will be ok with life the way it is. And since I don't seem to have anything cheery to say, I'll stop writing.

Saturday, November 15, 2008

This may be Digby's last week with us.
Already! I was called the other day by All Breed, asking me to bring him in for an Introduction. He gets to meet a family that is interested in him. I don't really know what to expect from this visit. I don't know if they have already gone through their classes and could take him home that same time if they like him or not. They didn't tell me to bring all his stuff with him, but I don't really know what will happen. I am sad, but I haven't cried or anything. He is such a great fit for us. My dogs really love that little guy. But I didn't choose to do this for me or my dogs. I am doing this for Digby. I can only hope they are good people. All I know about them is they live in Denver. So, pray for little Digby that the right people adopt him. and pray for us that we don't miss him too much.

Monday, November 10, 2008

I have a lot to catch you up on I know, but sadly, and I will blog about this later, I have an addiction to Facebook. So, instead of writing a big long story about what I have been doing, here are some pictures with short captions. Ask me questions, and I will elaborate more I promise.
So, this first pic is of Jennifer & I. She came to visit me the same week I got Digby and just before I flew to Washington, DC.

This is Karen & I at a fun Mexican Restaurant in Washington, DC. We met our college buddy Stro there. By the way, I stayed in the hotel that Reagon was shot in front of.

This was E's brainchild here. He asked for my lipstick to draw the blood trickling down the pumpkin. He had a great time stabbing the poor pumpkin. Poor pumpkin.

We all went ice-skating for a school fundraiser, Bubba's school. So, it was old fogies and a ton of preteens. Ask Karen how hard the ice was:)

One of Karen's neighbor, Debbie, had a party one of the days I was in Virginia. It was a lot of fun. Debbie taught several people how to Salsa. I sat back and drank a few glasses of 4 buck chuck, yum!
It has been a whirlwind time. First came Digby, then Jen, then DC for a conference, then finally a great weekend with Karen & fam.
The end.

Thursday, November 06, 2008


I got his name wrong when I first told you about him. It's not Bigby, it's Digby. Oops! Life with Digby is going really well. He is a funny character to say the least! He is sweet but stubborn in a way. He isn't so stubborn that he won't listen, but he will look at me like, "No, make me", then he will make some grunting noises, then he complies with the command. He is my little buddy, he follows me around everywhere. When I am on the computer, he will wait outside the baby gate and wait for me to come back over to his side. He is also a sweet snuggler, as you can see from this pic above. Millie and Rooby love him, and that is a feat for Rooby! Before I got him, they told me that he has a problem with marking his territory excessively, but he has only peed once. I kept him on a leash for the first few days, so I could keep tabs on him. He learned very quickly that he can't pee in my house. He really fits in great with us. It will be sad for all of us when he leaves us, but I know he will a great pet for any family.

Tuesday, November 04, 2008

When I left the polling place I started to cry soon after I walked out the door. I cried more as I drove to Starbucks to get my free coffee. I am struck at how emotional I felt after this time of voting. I didn't even feel this way when I voted for the first time. This is just such a defining moment in our history. Never before have I paid so much attention to the campaign and the issues. I even studied the Colorado Amendments and Questions on the ballot. I wanted so much to be more informed when making my decisions, to feel good about how I am voting instead of guessing. But even feeling more informed, I know I still do not know everything there is to know about the candidates or the issues. I cried because I feel good about my choices, but I also know that no matter who becomes President, they have an uphill battle. Our nation's future is in jeopardy. I am worried that I made wrong choices. I don't want to contribute to our nations or my states failure if it comes to that. I prayed on my way to Starbucks. I decided to allow myself to feel good about my choices, and I placed firmly our nation in God's hands. He, and only he knows what is best for us, and what we must go through to be the country he wants us to be. I cried when they announced that Barack Obama is the President Elect for so many reasons. And I cried when John McCain conceded for so many reasons. Never before have I felt this way about an election, I just can't shake it. I know I will go on crying through Obama's speech that is coming up. There is a feeling of being smack in the middle of history. Whether you are for Obama or not, it says a lot about how far our country has come. You can't ignore this moment no matter who you voted for. I am not going to talk about who I voted for, I do not like defending my political choices, I just don't. This is something that is deeply personal to me. I will say, that I did not have my mind fully made up until I walked into the polling place. Man, this was so hard. I have always been "blessed" with the ability to see both sides, good and bad, which makes it very difficult for me to keep myself from being pulled back and forth. This quality can be good at work when I have to mediate conflicts, but for things like this it is a struggle. Anyway, I am proud that I voted. And I am so proud that I am able to. Thank you to all who gave themselves over for this privilege.