Monday, December 07, 2009
I can only seem to use a computer when I am at the Library, so blogs are not happenin for me right now. Don't forget about me please!
I have been training at my Tutoring job for the past few weeks. Will start working with kids this Wed. I will be working with 3rd-8th graders. Should be interesting, hoping it is fun too.
Started working part time at an Insurance Agency. Mostly I am studying for the License Exams, which I need to pass in January. It is like learning a foreign language! But when I pass, I can be a full time agent. The people there have been really nice so far.
Still hopeful at landing the Training Position I want so bad. I finally borrowed my cousin's video camera so I can tape myself talking for 10 minutes. I was trying to get my former coworkers to send me some footage of a couple of my trainings, but I guess they couldn't figure out how to separate me from the rest, so I don't think that is going to happen.
I am staying with my mom mostly, driving back and forth between Belle & RC. It hasn't been too bad, just makes for a long day.
Tomorrow night I am going to a Grown-Up Christmas Party for the Chamber of Commerce! My Insurance boss is a Vice-Chair on the board, so I have to go, but I am feeling excited about it. You never know who I may run into there! Got myself a pretty red sweater and some jewelry to mark the occasion. Haven't decided if I am wearing it with a pencil skirt and boots, or black dress pants. I will tell ya all about it when I can. Miss you all!!!!!
Sunday, November 15, 2009
Saturday, November 14, 2009
Sorry I haven't written much. Mostly I am not really sure what to write. I guess maybe I thought I would have much more exciting happy things to write about by now. I have also been computer challenged these days. No internet at my mom's, and I share the internet at Suree's. I did make a packed with myself to only write positive things in an effort to also be thinking more positively, but I am challenged in that area also. I know it was a God thing to come here. I know it in my bones and my heart. But I guess I thought since it is a God thing that I am here, things will just fall into place. I had an unrealistic idea of how things would turn out once I was here. The house would miraculously get sold in a few short weeks, and I will have landed my dream job with benefits and all. Of course, I'm not really clear about what my dream job is, and the house is still unsold. I don't like always writing negative things either, so it is easier to not write when I am not feeling positive I guess, which is often lately. I try to look and sound optimistic when I talk to people, but my insides are a mess. I didn't come here to feel sorry for myself. I came here to start living. I want to start living now. I pray everyday for a better perspective and lay all my worries down at his feet, but it is getting exhausting. I am tired. I'm tired of me right now. I just so want to be happy, why is this so hard for me to just be....happy.
Wednesday, October 28, 2009
Saturday, October 24, 2009
Monday, October 19, 2009
1. Pikes Peak and the Rocky Mountain skyline
2. Bear Creek Dog Park
3. My co-workers
4. My House (to a degree)
5. Bronco fans everywhere
Things I love about being in the Black Hills:
1. A LOT LESS PEOPLE!
2. Recognizing people I know once in awhile:)
3. Memories all around me
4. Good friends
5. Family so close
6. Beautiful scenery
7. Being able to help my mom when she needs it.
8. Closer to my God-child:) (I see him at the end of the month!!)
9. Within a reasonable driving distance to more friends.
Now if I only had a job.....
Monday, October 12, 2009
I ended up renting a storage unit from Milt, the dad, which Brook finally talked me into to. But you know, it isn't that weird like I thought it would be. I think the time in Colorado really strengthened me and I don't feel like I can get sucked in. Hopefully I am not tested here, but I think I finally understand that I can be around him without wanting to dredge anything up, without hurt feelings, and not letting myself get sucked in to what goes on.
I spent some time at my mom's getting my stuff settled here in a small place with ALLLL the animals:) It's been really nice, though being here. Mom & I have made dinner together and talked, it's been nice, that's all I can say. There has been a little bit of Millie & Digby drama. Both have been squeezing themselves through the bars of mom's fence. The first time I discovered this....picture Millie running around the field and Digby running around the legs of two big horses searching for his crack...horse poo! I flipped out!! By the time I got outside, he was running across to the neighbors towards their horse pen. There are several more horses in that pen, and not use to dogs running around them, like my mom's horses are. He wasn't listening at all to me. I was screaming in terror. All I could picture was a trampled Digby. Keep in mind that he also ran away at the storage place, he couldn't be found FOREVER. Turned out, he was in the horse pasture eating crack! I was able to grab Millie easily, but Digby was much harder. I did finally catch him. After I saw with my own eyes Millie squeeze through the bars, I knew something had to be done, so I pushed back when I was going to RC and reinforced the fence, no easy task. I couldn't leave until I knew my Millie was going to be safe. Millie escaped far moe often than Digby.
Being in RC is both amazing and weird. What I mean by weird is that it is not feeling real or permanent. I still feel like I am on vacation, and will be going back soon. I keep telling myself I live here now, but it hasn't sunk in yet. I do, though seem to get very excited whenever I recognize someone. I can't help it, I love it so much! For the past 12 years it has not been that way at all, and I missed knowing someone where I went. I think it makes me feel like I belong, that is the only way I can describe it. I saw Sean Coyne at Church Sunday, that was awesome! Oh, and hanging out with Suree and Cher, priceless. I love being with friends that know my insides, and are just happy to be in the same room with me, doesn't matter what we are doing.
The job front, slow going. I have been here a week and have not found an actual job. Leads yes, but no nibbles. Doesn't help that I didn't have Internet at my mom's, I do now thanks to Suree's hubby:). I also had lots of technical difficulties, so as a result I wasn't able to get access to my resume until yesterday, and I had to go back to Belle. I did apply for a Training job, and printed out my resume to send in the mail to them. I am really hoping for this job, I think it would be a lot of fun, and I am only in charge of myself! But, we shall see what is in the cards. I will go back to RC Wed. this week, and take my resume to a few places and drop off more apps, that I had forgot in Belle last time. So, I keep moving forward. Maybe when I get a job it will all feel real!
Anyway, I am here. I am home:)
Sunday, September 27, 2009
Monday- Drove to work in the morning, took a deep look at the mountains in front of me and started to cry. They really are the best part of my drive to work. Felt apprehensive about telling everyone the next day.
Tuesday- My bosses waited to the VERY end of our staff meeting to announce my news. I lost it, and so did most everyone else. I don't know why but that reaction surprised me.
Wednesday- I never realized in a million years that I would be someone who people really actually respected in my profession. Although good to realize this, it did make me wonder if I was doing the right thing. I am losing a professional job here, part of my identity. What am I crazy?! My Realtor came over to give me the contract. Looks like the best way to get out of my mortgage is to go into a Short-Sale. This means we set up the asking price low to move it, sucks.
Thursday- Was feeling pretty good today about my new prospects for my future. I really feel that I am suppose to be going in a new direction and all the pieces will fall into place. Then we offered one of my teachers my job. This person has always given me mixed feelings. I am worried that she could dismantle everything I have built up, and I think she could become our CEO's spy. That is a long story in itself. My boss wanted someone easier to train, and because she has knowledge of CPCD, classroom, and Literacy....not to mention she doesn't have to go through the hiring process, she is the one. I had to go a long with an outward positive attitude as to give her a fair shake, but it pisses me off too. Again, am I making the right decision?? People who heard about the move were less than enthusiastic. But it is what it is.
Friday- Exhaustion. I came home late, and was so tired all I could do was make dinner, pour a glass of wine and cry on the couch.
Saturday- My friend Yvonne came over to get me really started on the packing. I still only had 4 boxes packed plus several suitcases of clothes. Why is it I don't think I have anything to wear until I move!? Anyway, she helped me get my kitchen packed up, that was huge! Thank you Yvonne. She is the only one from work who actually followed through with her offer to help pack. My Realtor came by and put the sign up in the front lawn. That was a pause. Owning my house has been hard, but seeing that sign about killed me. This was my place, mine....
Sunday- Of course I am procrastinating with the packing!
Saturday, September 19, 2009
This song came on the radio as I was driving home from work yesterday. I had just sent in my resignation and was feeling panic, tears welling up. Then I heard this song. It reminded me that I am going in the right direction. A direction I have needed to go for a long time.
Not to say that leaving here feels good at the moment. I am grieving the loss of the dream I had when I first moved here, a dream that didn't pan out. But I gave it a good go for the past 12 years! I have just stalled here. I will miss the co-workers that always had my back. I will miss my silly chiropractor that thinks it is hilarious that I am from SD, said good-bye to him today. I said good -bye to my wacky fun hair lady who gave me wine as she did whatever she wanted to my hair. I told my former boss and mentor of my decision this last Monday. We cried together, and she begged me to stay. She said that they would even get me into another position, one completely out of the compliance arena. When I told my current boss, she cried too! I wasn't expecting that. I have been getting to know her style this past year, but wasn't completely there. I told 2 of my past peers, who are still at work but in different jobs because of the reconstruction of our department last year. One of them cried, which made me cry too. I have been doing a lot of crying. But I am ready for the new phase. I have 2 more weeks of good-byes to come before it is all said and done. I may go to my favorite dogpark today and stare at the beautiful mountains that brought me here. Tuesday, I tell the rest of my department. One day at a time.
Sunday, September 13, 2009
Saturday, September 12, 2009
1. God. I don't always put God first, but that is where he should be. Even though I fight him on most everything, he always proves he knows best.
2. Friends. My true friends have been with me a long time, and have seen me through a lot of good and bad times. I would not have gotten through these last three years with out all of you.
3. Coffee. LOVE IT!! What else can I say. I don't care about the negatives, coffee makes me happy, and keeps the headaches away;)
4. Family. I may have a somewhat dysfunctional family, but they have always loved me no matter what, and have always and will always be there. I think I was suppose to live away from them for a long period of time so that I can finally realize how much they mean to me.
5. Really Good Food. Let's face it, I like to eat! There isn't much I won't eat or try, even chocolate covered bacon with roasted almonds on top. Food also makes me happy.
6. Girlfriends. I can't wait to live near some really awesome girlfriends!!
7. My dogs. My dogs, starting with Rooby, opened up a whole new world for me. They are my kids, and they love me even when I lose my temper. They never hold it against me. They are so happy to see me when I come home, and I never get tired of that. They were placed in my life to help make things less lonely. Thank you #1!
Sunday, September 06, 2009
Saturday, September 05, 2009
I need your opinion. Work is again raising it's ugly ugly head. I'll give you a brief description then ask you to weigh in on the 2 directions I need to consider.
You all know from previous posts about work in the last couple of years that the culture has been moving away from being a family business to a something more like a cold corporate hostile environment. Last year my department was the target with the major restructuring that happened and many people feared would lose their jobs. It was a very painful process. This year the targets are other departments mainly, but HR is again flexing their power over everyone. One lady who has been with us for many years was given 3 choices yesterday. 1) Be fired. 2) Resign 3) or be demoted. As humiliating as that was, she chose to be demoted because she needs a job. She has never been under disciplinary action n the past, so...... Another very sweet nurse, also been with us for years, was written up this week with a series of several stupid silly offenses that went back to 2005! One example is she was 6 minutes late for a meeting once. The write up was clearly designed to push her out, and if she didn't go all she had to do is breath wrong, and she would be fired. She chose to retire early. Many staff, including me received write ups (serious ones) because we missed a deadline in getting a web based training completed. The training deadline was in the middle of our major training week, and classrooms had only a few days to set up their classrooms. As for me, I was DOING trainings, orienting new people, trying to get new Supervisors set, starting a new program.......We all know we screwed up by missing the deadline. I expect to be held accountable, as well as to hold my staff accountable, but the punishment in this case is very drastic and does not fit the offense. I wanted to talk with my staff, establish with them that they needed to get it done, set a date that it must be done, and document it. The next step if it was still not done is an informal write up with another deadline, and a strong message that the next time there will be a formal write up. This was not a safety issue, it does not warrant an immediate formal write up. HR wants to send a message. A message of fear in my opinion. By doing this, really what they are doing is sending a message that you can be written up and possibly terminated for any offense. So...... these are my 2 recourses as I see it. Regardless, it is time to go:
1) I resign and walk away. In resigning, I can have an exit interview with HR, which will give me the opportunity to explain why I am leaving. Problem with this is I walk away with only my last paycheck, and if HR doesn't want to let anyone know what I said, they will just bury my statement. The good thing is I can use them as a reference (which is, she was employed here at such and such dates) and I don't have the stigma of being fired. I can put my house up for sale, and leave town hoping to get a good job very soon because I will still have a mortgage. I may have to declare bankruptcy.
2) I can take a stand and refuse to have my teachers sign their PIP's (formal write up). One major reason for this is staff may not be eligible for tuition reimbursement with a PIP in their file, this includes me. PIP's never leave your file, and if HR ever wants a reason to get rid of you quickly, they already have a PIP in your file to use against you. By me refusing to sign mine or letting my teachers sign theirs, I will be seen as adversarial. Most likely I will have set myself up to be fired. The good thing about that is I am eligible for unemployment benefits, I may have a clause in my home insurance that if fired they will pay my mortgage for a time buying me time. I am looking into the insurance thing now. The bad thing(s) is I will have a very ugly battle of wills with a man who hates women with a passion. He will do everything in his power to humiliate me. Plus the fact that I was fired from an organization, respected in the state of Colorado, that I have been with for nearly 10 years. But I may have time to get my house on the market, move and get a job before I have to start paying the mortgage again.
I think my plan is to live with my mom, and find a job in RC. I am looking at selling everything, which kills me and that is very hard to explain to you all because it is just stuff. I have my 3 dogs to worry about, it is not an option to give them away, they are my family. I hate this feeling of utterly no security, but I also think God has been pushing me to go here. Complete and total surrender. The last piece of the puzzle, and the most painful for me. I think about Bobby's post about being totally obedient to God, and can I do it? Advise and prayers please.
Monday, August 24, 2009
Sunday, August 23, 2009
Today, I did Coffee at church. I love doing coffee because people have to come to me and talk to me, and it is an easy exchange with the starting topic of... coffee. Anyway, it is about the only time I feel plugged in to church. But something happened today that was way out there in my book. This guy, Frank, is sort of a d0-it-all maintenance guy, came over to talk to me, and basically harass me for being late. This is a regular occurrence, because it is usually he who gets the coffee started because I am late getting there most of the time. Usually it is just a little banter then it is over, I move on to talking to others & making coffee. Today was different. He hovered today, kept coming back over to talk to me. He asked more than once of he could help me, but I really don't need another person in there, it's a tight squeeze as it is. Plus I am faster on my own. So, I politely decline each time. Then he asks me if I am a Facebook or My Space person. I tell him Fb. He asks if he can be my friend on Fb. I said sure! He said, you know I should get your number, I didn't think anything of it at first, so I gave t to him, thinking that I really do need some friends. Then he asked what things I like to do. Next, he says we should hang out sometime. I'm like, sure.... Ok, I really thought he was married this whole time I have been coming here. I knew he has 2 kids, and I thought I saw a woman with him before, but I guess I don't know anything for sure. So, the next time he came around, I checked for a ring, and was dismayed to not see one. He kept saying things like, so you think it is a good idea if we do something sometime? It started to dawn on me that he isn't looking for a "friend", he wants to date. So, about the third time he asked if I thought it was a good idea we hang out, I made myself say something. I do NOT want to lead anyone on, and you can probably guess I wasn't loving this attention from him. I said, what are you looking for, because I am just looking for friends right now. VERY awkward to say the least. He said, well yeah friends then we see what happens. He got pulled away then, and I slipped out of church as fast as I could. He called me on my way home, and apologized if he freaked me out, and said I could call him sometime. Now what am I suppose to do? I wanted to be connected at church, but this wasn't part of the plan. He is very much a part of things at church, and is at everything. This doesn't help my current feelings about going to church right now. What do I say to him??
Sunday, August 16, 2009
Wednesday, August 12, 2009
The Digby saga ends, finally! He is mine:) It was an ordeal of my making that lasted just about a month. Turns out if I would have asked for him in the first place, like before there was anyone interested in him, which there hasn't been anyone for a long time, they would have let me adopt him! This is what I let my brain do to me:
A few months back, I watched an Ellen DeGeneres episode about her adoptive dog that ended badly. She adopted a dog from a rescue place. The dog wasn't doing well with the dogs she already had, and a friend's kids started bonding with the dog. So, she decided it would be good for everyone to give the dog to her friend with the kids. Ellen didn't realize that she had broken a major rule with this particular agency. You are not to give away the dog for any reason without clearing it with the agency. So, the rescue took the dog back from the family Ellen gave him to. On the TV show, Ellen in tears, pleaded with the agency to give the dog back to the family because they had bonded, and it was Ellen who messed up and not the family. The agency never did give the dog back, instead they adopted him out to someone else. It was pretty hard to watch, and obviously made an impact on my brain. I had visions of something like this happening if I asked to keep Digby. I decided that all rescues must have rules like that, so I really thought they might take him away if I told them I wanted to adopt him, because I would then be a "Foster Failure". I knew I couldn't ever foster again, that's what I told myself. And Digby belongs to them, so what would stop them from attempting to take him back?! I know that sounds ridiculous, but this is what kept replaying in my head all summer. I thought about just keeping him and ignoring the rescue place completely when they would call me to have him come to events, but I just wouldn't be able to look God in the eye one day if I did that. I also told myself that maybe there won't be anybody wanting him, and the the agency will just forget about me & Digby. Life just can't be that simple. Pretty soon they started calling me for all kinds of events. The rescue was stepping up their marketing plans. While I was on vacation, I decided that I was just going to have to bite the bullet and find out our fate. I made up my mind to call the agency when I got home see what happens. Of course, this wasn't even going to be that easy! Before I got home from SD, I found out someone wanted to meet Digby. I really panicked then. I waited to respond, then I decided I had to go for it anyway. I emailed them, cuz I am a big fat chicken, and asked if I could adopt him. I waited for a response on pins-n-needles. They finally did write back, and what they said surprised me and filled me with dread both at the same time. They told me that they had no problem with me adopting him, however there has been a family that has been waiting to meet him, and he is still eligible for adoption per the website, so they wanted to be fair to them also. I got the feeling though, right or not, that if they met him & like him, and also wanted to keep him, I could lose him to them. Total strangers to Digby. But I had to force myself to go through with what I started despite the strong urge to be old me and selfishly stop all contact and keep him. I took him to meet the people. They were very nice people, and obviously liked Digby right away. They also knew I wanted to keep him. Despite that little tidbit, they wanted to adopt him, of course I didn't find this out for several days after the Introduction. Usually the people let the rescue know with in 24 hours if they want the dog, so I had been worried for days. Then they call me at work one day, and asked me how I felt after meeting the family about Digby going with them? I burst into tears. I didn't know what else to do. I thought this meant he was gone. I couldn't stop crying, but I managed to answer the question anyway. I told them that I did not have a bad thing to say about the family, they were nice people, and they could take care of him just fine, but that does not change how I felt about Digby. We talked for a long time, me crying the whole time! When she got off the phone with me, she said that the agency has a big decision to make, and they would get back to me soon. Ok.... Wasn't sure what that meant. Several more days past until last Friday night. I heard the best message ever!! The lady said she wanted to talk to me, and that it was good news, plus I may want to change my answering machine! I though....what? No. I include the names of my two dogs on my machine so people don't think I live alone. I called, and that is when I heard it, I get to keep my dog! She also told me that she was so surprised that I thought they wouldn't let me adopt him. Turns out I can also still be a foster parent if I want to, ha! I told her the Ellen story, and we both had a good laugh over it. I could kick myself though. This could have turned out so much easier and better had I not let my paranoia get to me! Anyway, it really doesn't matter anymore, he's mine!
It's not letting me post the Ellen clip I was talking about, but you can find it on youtube. Iggy is the dog's name if you have to do a search.
Tuesday, August 11, 2009
Sunday, July 19, 2009
Wednesday, July 15, 2009
Saturday, June 27, 2009
Finally my right eye has stopped twitching, no more stress for awhile:) I have 2 pounds left to go! Not sure I am as toned though as I was hoping to be, but you'll love me anyway, right? You'll tell me I look fabulous, right? Can't wait to see all my oldest friends in RC. See you there.
Tuesday, June 23, 2009
Sunday, June 21, 2009
The first pic is of Digby pre-surgery, all peppy attacking the lufa dog with gusto! Then there is the after pics of him and his cone-head. Man, that was a hard few days for him and for me. He was neutered last Friday. He came home very woozy. Often, he would take a few steps in a direction, then stop and stand in that spot forever. The second day was the worst, he was in a lot of pain whenever he moved, even with pain killers. The nights were worse than the day. He couldn't get comfortable, and whenever he would try to move or get up, he would scream...in the middle of the night, several times in the night. So, not much sleep for me all weekend. I was worried about him, because he didn't seem to be bouncing back as quickly as everyone was telling me male dogs do. What I didn't know is that since he is 2 years old and a small dog, things will feel worse for him. It took about 4 days until I finally saw some pep back in him. The first time I saw him jump around in excitement of seeing me, I could just feel my heart burst. How will I ever be able to give this dog up? He and I bonded even more through this. Taking naps together when he could get on the couch. Me rubbing his back at night to get him to finally lay down and attempt to sleep. He looks at me with these trusting brown eyes, and I love him.
Wednesday, June 03, 2009
Sunday, May 31, 2009
Isn't Gramma sweet.
Father and son.
Gramma has a way.
Friday, May 22, 2009
Sunday, May 17, 2009
Saturday, May 16, 2009
Saturday, May 09, 2009
Monday, May 04, 2009
Well, I made it through one week of the 100 p-u's challenge! I think I am doing better than my hiking challenge so far, but that isn't really my fault! Anyway, at the end of this week, I can do 5 girl p-u's and tried to match as best I could with the Mil. p-u's. My arms are sore, and I have lost a total of 5 pounds so far! Just 3 more to go really:) Not sure my tummy feels all that tighter, but I am working on it. On to the next week!