Hi

I am sitting here staring at the screen, not sure where to start.

So much has happened and not happened in the last 4 months, I just can't......

There were times here and there when I found a chance to write in the blog, but couldn't.

Kind of sucks to be seen crying in the Library.

And crying is what I do when I unload everything on you.

My blog has always been my outlet.

One good thing though, I wasn't then able to throw up on you and all over the screen.

At this point the best way I can sum up the last four months is the word

stripped.

It just feels like everything I was, am, and thought I wanted or was going to have here has been slowly stripped off of me.

I know this isn't really a bad thing, and when I come out the other side, and I will, I will be what and where I am suppose to be.

It's just being stripped hurts.

A lot.

While looking for more work, I have been reflecting on my life and where I hope to go from here.

I guess, now that I don't have a "career", I never knew how much you wrap yourself into having a career.

So much of your identity is intertwined in what you do for a living whether you love it or not.

I have been surprised at how humiliated I feel sometimes when I am asked why I left my job, and the look on peoples face when I tell them I haven't landed a career here yet.

Of course, it is likely I interpret a look that may not really be there.

I sometimes feel embarassed when I tell people that I am tutoring right now and haven't been able to find another part time job, and I have been trying.

Then there is the rejection.

I have applied for several serious jobs here, and have been passed over.

Sounds weird to say this, but that has never happened to me before!

I have always gotten any job I have set out for.

So it is hard keeping the old spirits up somedays.

I do have up days though, which is why I made myself write today.

Whenever I go for a walk at Canyon Lake Park, like I did today, I feel really hopeful and happy.

It's like the life I envisioned is just so close....

I can see it, even if I can't touch it,
yet.