Hi
I am sitting here staring at the screen, not sure where to start.
So much has happened and not happened in the last 4 months, I just can't......
There were times here and there when I found a chance to write in the blog, but couldn't.
Kind of sucks to be seen crying in the Library.
And crying is what I do when I unload everything on you.
My blog has always been my outlet.
One good thing though, I wasn't then able to throw up on you and all over the screen.
At this point the best way I can sum up the last four months is the word
stripped.
It just feels like everything I was, am, and thought I wanted or was going to have here has been slowly stripped off of me.
I know this isn't really a bad thing, and when I come out the other side, and I will, I will be what and where I am suppose to be.
It's just being stripped hurts.
A lot.
While looking for more work, I have been reflecting on my life and where I hope to go from here.
I guess, now that I don't have a "career", I never knew how much you wrap yourself into having a career.
So much of your identity is intertwined in what you do for a living whether you love it or not.
I have been surprised at how humiliated I feel sometimes when I am asked why I left my job, and the look on peoples face when I tell them I haven't landed a career here yet.
Of course, it is likely I interpret a look that may not really be there.
I sometimes feel embarassed when I tell people that I am tutoring right now and haven't been able to find another part time job, and I have been trying.
Then there is the rejection.
I have applied for several serious jobs here, and have been passed over.
Sounds weird to say this, but that has never happened to me before!
I have always gotten any job I have set out for.
So it is hard keeping the old spirits up somedays.
I do have up days though, which is why I made myself write today.
Whenever I go for a walk at Canyon Lake Park, like I did today, I feel really hopeful and happy.
It's like the life I envisioned is just so close....
I can see it, even if I can't touch it,
yet.
yet.
11 comments:
chris, this is a powerful post. i can see it took a lot to write it, and some really deep soul-searching. i hate that you are going through it but i love that you know you are going to be better for it when you come out the other side. that is called HOPE and it is a gift. hold onto it. and call me, please. your number doesn't work? did i miss a message about a new number?
we will be in rapid city for a hockey tournament march 5 and 6. i'll keep you posted on details.
Thanks Carey. I am more than feeling down today. Helps to read your comments. It's really hard when you talk to some people who think you are aren't really trying. That is humiliating. I am doing the best I can. For everytime I have walked out of a place because of pride, I have also swallowed that pride and gone for it anyway. It is a day to day struggle.
PS: I will send you my number again. You must have saved it wrong, I haven't changed it.
I have been thinking for a while that God is purposely taking you apart, bit by bit, so that He can build you back up. I'm pretty amazed/impressed that you can see that so clearly. I don't know if it's any easier to realize what God's doing than it would be to just blindly stumble through it (like I do). Carey's right about that hope, hang on with both hands. I'm thankful that the One who is stripping you is doing it out of love, and for a purpose. We're here, praying you right through it.
i agree with karen, strom. it might not seem like a gift right now, but to know and understand that what you are going thru is part of God's ultimate plan for you is amazing. you are His....otherwise, you would not see that.
i am praying for your job interview :))
Everyone said it better than I could, remember you are loved on many levels.
Oh Chris. I am finally getting caught up on blogs and yours really hit hard. I know it's hard to hear everything will work out but it will. It always does and then you realize why things happened the way they did. God is with you, He is always there. Keep the faith, girl. Keep the faith.
I am finding this in one of your interims. Hope you are well as you recieve this.
Checking out the comments left, it is clear that you have made some very good friends out here and I am glad for you. I have found that it helps when you feel that you are alone and that there is a connection that is only keystrokes away.
This post is quite powerful. I am agnostic, but I do think that you are being broken down for a reason and you will be stronger for it. Trite, but the things about those words being simple and well worn, is that they are also true.
Perhaps you are being stripped for a reason. What has jumped off at me, is that I picked up a twitch of emptiness to whatever it is you were doing before the 'stripping' took place. And when I say 'what you were doing', I don't mean your job but with your life. Maybe it was good but there may have been something missing from it.
Now you get to fill in with what is supposed to be in you and in your life. Be well.
Hi Chris,
I'm new to your blog, your post caught my attention. All I have to say is, don't give up. The same thing happened to me a couple of years ago, in Chicago. Like you, I always managed to find a job and then January 2007, the DAY I was pre approved for my dream condo in Oak Park, IL, I was let go due to downsizing and couldn't find work in CHICAGO for seven months. So, I left. I went to Florida and from there, met my husband, fell in love with the restaurant industry (he owned and operated a Bistro with his father) and now we moved to Maine. I'm still struggling, and have a job that isn't perfect, but I had to go through all of that so I could realize what it really is in life that I wanted to do. I'm still going through a tough time, but I know that things will come through at the end. Just keep your chin up and DON'T give up. :)
Monica
Wow, thank you all for your kind words. I know I am just very impatient about getting over to the other side. I often forget that even though this is hard, I will learn so much and be so much better for it. Besides, we all go through stuff, I know I am a lone here. Thank you.
Hi Chris
I in Ontario Canada and started a Blog to keep myself and others out there looking for work in a positive outlook, don't know if it will help you or not? I am very new to blogs and hoping that mine can help someone to stay out of the negative feelings that happen to us while out of work.
Keep your chin up I know its not easy fellow job hunter.
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