If I could go back, would I? Yes.
It was all a big mistake. I listened to the wrong voice. I stepped outside of his will. I didn't wait for doors to open or close. I just left. I packed up my life and I ran. I convinced myself that God was pulling me in this direction back where I thought I would be protected and safe. Things got hard, and I ran. That is what I do, and that is what I did. Did I feel the pull to come here, yes I did. But I didn't wait to find out who the pull was coming from. I didn't wait to find out if this was a God plan for me. I know when God wants you to do something he will open the right doors, and he will clear the path. I didn't want to wait for him to show me if the doors would be open for me or if they would be closed, because I didn't want to be a grown up and deal with the life I had, a life that was not that bad turns out. I guess I thought that God knows what I will do even if it is the wrong thing, and he will use it for good. I just didn't anticipate learning this kind of lesson. From the moment I arrived in SD, it has felt wrong. I brushed it off for awhile and focused on finding a job. But no matter what work I found or where I found to lived, it was all wrong. Several people have wanted to know why I can't just appreciate what I now have and move forward, well I have tried. You might not see that, but I have. I just keep running into road blocks and I can't shake the feeling that I took the wrong road. I can't shake it.
So, now I see where I went wrong. The same thing I struggle with all the time, and that is trust. I didn't have it. I didn't trust God to show me. I didn't want to wait around. I had to have control. When I was in CO, no jobs were presenting themselves to me in SD. My house was not getting any traffic, nor did it sell once I left. I struggled to find a job I could live off of. I couldn't, and still can't find a place of my own that I can keep my dogs. I have cost my mom more money than I ever want to really think about. I had decided that if this was truly a God thing, things would just happen. The path would just open up. It never did. Instead it continues to feel wrong. I listened to this weeks sermon by Dr. Stanley from In Touch Ministries today, and it really hit home. He basically said when you step outside his will for you, everything you have turns to ash. My life is full of ashes, that is how I feel. I have experienced Gods will for me in the past, and it is much different than what is happening now.
So, if I have a chance for a do over, yes I will take it. Recently my old job has opened back up in CO. I will be interviewing for it. My house is still there waiting for me. The people in my old job that were making life difficult have left the agency. This time though, even though I want to book a moving van and run back to CO right now, I will wait. I am 100 % waiting on God as hard as that is for me. If he truly wants me back there, he will open those doors. If not they will be closed forever. I will wait. I am waiting.
5 comments:
i love this post. it is one of humble acknowledgment that you messed up, but you know what? we all mess up. we all come to a place in life where all we can do is drop to our knees and ask God to dig us out of the hole we got ourselves into.
it sounds like he is about to give you a shovel, and for that He is AWESOME. can you believe that your house is still waiting and your scratchy co-workers are gone and your old friends are urging you HOME?
i pray that He opens doors. keep us posted.
I am so sorry moving here has not been what you had expected. And I often feel bad, that I have let you down somehow in the support person role. I think the honesty you are showing with yourself and realizing the pattern of running away is not healthy is huge though. It is part of a plan for you to know where you need to be.
Because you mention God here, I hope that you don't take offense to my liberal spirituality in my comment.
I recently made a choice that was influenced by my spirit as much as it was influenced by my intellect. I had hoped to be guided by a force greater than myself and when 'something' came...
... I do wonder if I didn't give everything I had in making my move. There were issues similar to the ones you speak on in your life that made me pause, but a kept on going. Hindsight being what it is... who knows what I should have done?
Anywho, I am glad to be fortunate enough to have read your post. I think you are on the path that is meant for you. I hope to find the path that is meant for me.
chris, sometimes the stuff in my life that has been the 'biggest mistake' has brought around the greatest blessing. things like peace, assurance, gratefulness, wisdom, and discernment come from making the big, big mistakes.
i hope that you see that you are in the running for all of those things after this part of your journey!
Cher- I am not unhappy with the support both you and Suree have given me. Most of the time I couldn't be near you guys because of either my living situation or me feeling down on myself and not wanting to subject you to my misery. You guys have been great, and have been there when I have come up for air. I love all of you, and am so blessed to have you all as my friends. Thank you for seeing me through.
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