Not a great pic of me, I don't have very many pictures of myself! Oh well, I'll get over it. I have been putting off writing about this subject cuz I feel like such a baby when I talk about this. Mostly because I know I have a good life. But unfortunatley this is something that I deal with on a daily basis. I am pretty much the only single person I know anymore. And truth be known, I hate it. I feel like I am on the outside looking in all the time. I can't participate in many conversations with my friends because I don't have anything to contribute to the subject matter. This is my worst fear come true over and over again. I can be alone, I have done it for a long time, but I have NEVER wanted to be alone. My best friends know where this comes from. I see the big picture as fars at what God wants for me, but I still don't appreciate it. Why does it have to be me that has to learn the "joys" of learning how to stand on my own two feet. Why can't I belong to a team like so many of my friends. Why is it that I have to go through life all on my own when all my friends have someone to go through life with. Someone to grow spiritually with. Someone to lean on, to cry with, to laugh with. Now I know that relationships are hard and it is no fairy tale. I also know I am suppose to learn to be happy on my own, that God wants me to lean on him right now. I get that, but I don't have to like it. I feel so isolated much of the time. My friends have families or boyfriends that come first, and I feel like I have to wait around sometimes for people to want to hang out with me. I sit at home way to often because everyone is busy living their lives. I don't have any single friends, so what I go out by myself? I'm sorry but I would rather stay home than do that. I am not a dine-out-alone type of girl. I don't go to movies by myself either, Can't do it. I know how pathetic this all sounds, and I am not looking for sympathy. I just need to get it out once in awhile. Most of the time I am ok with my situation, but it does get the best of me sometimes. I hate that my friends sometimes feel sorry for me, so when we do go out they feel the need to push me onto guys. They don't even know how obvious they are. I feel embarrassed that I can't get a guy on my own apparently, and when things like this happens I just feel like a loser. I know that my friends love me & they want me to be happy, but this doesn't help. I just hate being left behind, and that is truthfully how I feel quite often. Wow, I guess I let the flood gates open here. Sorry, don't mean to bum anyone out here. I just get so angry sometimes that I have to be the only one alone. That is how I feel. I know everyone feels alone at times even when they are married, I know that. I just...... I guess I don't know what else to say. I'm frustrated that's all. I want to walk through life with someone who is truly meant for me. I don't want to sit at the kids table anymore. I don't want to be on the outside looking in.
6 comments:
Kris,
a few years ago, when i was still alone and feeling it, a friend of mine saw that my "aloneness" was hard, and she talked to me about it.
she told me that i needed to start praying for my husband "now" - not A husband, but THE one that God is preparing for me, and preparing me for!!
i cannot say that it made me feel a whole lot better, but i did pray for him. i asked God to take care of him, and to let him know in his heart to hold out FOR ME. that little act helped me to make him real, and make it seem like the loneliness i was experiencing had a partner, the one who i was meant for.
when i did meet my love, it was amazing to look back at our lives, and see just what all God was doing in each of us to prepare us for each other. no, it doesn't make that time spent seem any more fun, but somehow now in hindsight, it does make alot more sense to me ;))
will pray for you girl, just remember that it's not over til it's over...i have a good friend who just got married for the first time this summer. she is 52.
i kinda hope God moves a little faster with you :)
bobbi
Thanks Bobbi, I really appreciate what you had to say. Most of the time, I know what you were saying is true & I feel secure that God is doing just that. But every so often my anxiety narotic self rears its ugly head, and I find myself not feeling worthy I guess. Like maybe God wants me to be one of those people that never finds true love here on earth. Of course, I would hope that if that was the case I wouldn't long for it so much. Your situation does really give me hope though. I am so glad that you are happy with your new man.
Just read your entry and I can't say I know how you feel but I can tell you I understand. I truly believe one day you will be shopping at the store and you'll reach for a canteloupe the same time your man does...Bobbi's right, God is preparing you and your life partner right now. He'll bring you together one day and the wait will be so worth it! Who says you have to be married w/kids by the time you're 30 or 40 or whatever?! There is no time limit to love, chris. He will come. And it will be that much more awesome.
Hey, you're in my prayers, Chris. Always have been. I think you're an awesome person and I'm so glad we are re-connecting through blogs. Hang in there, your man is out there.
I love you, man! I have been praying diligently for your man for the last year and I promise I won't give up! Bobbi's advice is excellent, don't stop praying for him.
Karen
chris
i have hurt for my friends before, and hoped for them, and cried with them, but only lately have i prayed with them. what if we all pray together for you, specifically that God brings you together with your husband, someone who is walking your same path...the perfect Mr. Stromer? We could all do it on the same night, in all our different time zones. Girls??
Ah Mr. Stromer, where for out thou?? Hee hee just kidding, especially the out part. Thank you all for indulging me in my little pity party. I am MUCH better today. It just needed to come out. I appreciate all of you so much & I am all for the prayin, just let me know & I'm there with you. Love you all.
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