Look out, it's PMS week.

This is when I feel my situation the most intensely. I have the hardest time dealing during this week. I am always aware that it is just me right now, it is just so much more acute for me when you add in hormones. I hate it. This is when my mind wanders to what have I done or not done to still be in this place? I must not be doing something right. Something I am just not getting yet. Bottom line is, I am just tired. Tired of feeling so lonely. I miss having good girlfriends to go to the movies with, to dinner with, shopping. I get that maybe I am not suppose to be dating right now, ok fine. But no friends? I know I sound pathetic when I write about this, I just get to the point after a while that I need to get it out. I really am trying, you know? I am trying to get to know people at church, it is just so hard because I am closed off with people at first. It is hard work for me to be open, and I am sure people sense that. So at church, I have acquaintances. At work I have work friends. But at night and on the weekends, I am alone. My Friday night is cooking dinner, watering flowers, cleaning up the kitchen, falling asleep on the couch. Saturday usually I catch up on blogs all morning, errands later, cleaning, maybe a walk or hike with the dogs, clean something, weed something, fall asleep on the couch. Sunday I go to church, eat lunch on the patio, read, go clean something, weed something, make dinner, get ready for the work week. Today at church we are studying the Book of Ruth, chapter 1. It demonstrates Ruth's ability to be loyal to not only her mother-n-law, but also to a God she didn't even know. Doing this while going into a new unfamiliar and possibly a difficult situation. With all of this going on, Ruth was able to be loyal through it all, and embraced the situation. I think I am suppose to embrace my situation, I just don't know how. A year and a half later with no good friends, I am doing a poor job of whatever it is I am suppose to be doing. I do keep praying to learn what it is that he wants me to learn, and that I am ok with this time with just him and I, but the nagging realisation that I really don't have much of a life keeps creeping in. Anyway, I am done whining! Thank you for reading this once again.

Just when things start settling down, another turn on the roller coaster happens. Just after I moved into my swanky new office, my boss announces that they will be opening up another ECSE (Special Ed) position! That kind of rocked my world because they also said that you don't have to have your Masters completed to qualify, just working on it. So, here I am happy with my new position, but now find myself faced with yet another big decision. So, I need input from you all. Here are the pros & cons of both jobs:

Pros:

ECSE-

1. Flexibility 2. Summers off 3. No one to supervise 4. work closely with SN's kids, and somewhat with teachers 4. Work with some great people (Therapists) 5. Can work from home often 6. shorter work day 7. Won't have to take work home with me 8. Less paperwork 9. Alot less stress

Supervisor-

1. Status 2. Recognition 3. Swanky Office 4. Get to wear cool clothes 5. Challenges that are interesting 6. People listen to me 7. Bosses hand picked me for this job 8. Work closely with Teachers ( can be a con also) 9. Get Annual Leave time

Cons:

ECSE-

1. A step backwards in a way 2. No office at all 3. Am rusty a bit 4. Not really challenging 5. No status 6. Big caseload

Supervisor-

1. Stressful 2. Play office politics 3. Deal with problem teachers 4. under the microscope with upper management 4. A lot of paperwork and meetings 5. No summers off 6. Long hours 7. 20 teachers under me year round (no drop-off in summer)

I may add more to these lists as I think about them, but you get the idea anyway. I am pulled in both directions right now, so this is why it is a hard decision. Let me know what you think.

Gramma Hallie Stromer has always looked like this my whole life. She was 99 when she died, and she looked the same. Hallie died while I was in the Black Hills during my vacation. I haven't actually seen her for 15 + years. Another Stromer casualty when I walked away from my Dad. I was really conflicted about going to the funeral because of the fact that I haven't seen her in all these years. Like I didn't really have the right to go. My brother convinced me that all that didn't matter anymore, and I should go because of her. So, I did. I knew this meant that I would have to be around the whole Stromer clan, including Milt, the father, again. It was surreal to say the least. Milt introduced me as his "daughter" several times to people. It felt bizarre! I have been his "daughter" for 15+ years. He hugged me a couple of times, something he didn't do at Brook's wedding last summer. And his wife Judy, yikes! She actually bugged me more than Milt did. She is borderline obnoxious about her need to be in the middle of things. She was convinced that this hole gathering was the beginning of a beautiful relationship for Milt and myself. She hugged me and touched me constantly!! I hated every second of that! But maybe her presence was a good buffer for me, because of fact that Milt did not bother me nearly as much as she did. Who knows! What I learned through the whole experience is that I really do not hold any anger towards Milt anymore. None. Weird. I still know that I do not need him in my life. I know he hasn't changed, and I do not need that instability in my life. I also know that I have a Father who loves me the way I deserve, and that is all I need.

Roller coaster pit stop





So, finally the story of the job saga. Fasten you seat belts, this could take awhile. I know I left off with my interview date. The interview itself went really well. From all accounts by my fellow coordinators, I was the only one that had them laughing. The others said that the panel wouldn't barely make eye contact, let alone crack a smile. I did luck out in the fact that Ron was not in the interview at all! That made me feel more confident right there. Everyone in the room likes me, except for John (not getting into that guy right now), but he doesn't have a say anyway:). I know I answered the questions well. The only thing I didn't know was what the behind the scenes plan was. Most of us felt that there was already a plan as to who they wanted and where they were going to put them before anyone interviewed. Turns out we were right. One of my colleagues was dealt a devastating blow. She was offered a teachers position, NOT ONE OF THE THREE we were interviewing for. She was told this is where she shines...as a teacher when she hasn't been in the classroom for 7 years! They did tell her that her work in the past year hasn't been great, but they had not written her up. Another colleague of mine was given a 10 month position. She can't afford that, so she is looking. She thinks they did that on purpose because they knew she couldn't stay with a pay cut. Another colleague, who had wanted the job I got, was given the Special Needs Coordinator position. She had not applied for that, so she was a little ticked that I got the job she wanted. So, right now the dust is slowly settling. The lady that got the teaching job is in Texas for a month. She will be one of my teachers in the fall. This will be hard, because I think my bosses are expecting her to not do well as a teacher, and that I will write her up for them. I will not do this lightly or alone, if that is what they are thinking. So far, things are going ok, but who knows what the fall will bring. I will have 14 classes under me. It will be a challenge. I am just happy to have a job right now.