Gramma Hallie Stromer has always looked like this my whole life. She was 99 when she died, and she looked the same. Hallie died while I was in the Black Hills during my vacation. I haven't actually seen her for 15 + years. Another Stromer casualty when I walked away from my Dad. I was really conflicted about going to the funeral because of the fact that I haven't seen her in all these years. Like I didn't really have the right to go. My brother convinced me that all that didn't matter anymore, and I should go because of her. So, I did. I knew this meant that I would have to be around the whole Stromer clan, including Milt, the father, again. It was surreal to say the least. Milt introduced me as his "daughter" several times to people. It felt bizarre! I have been his "daughter" for 15+ years. He hugged me a couple of times, something he didn't do at Brook's wedding last summer. And his wife Judy, yikes! She actually bugged me more than Milt did. She is borderline obnoxious about her need to be in the middle of things. She was convinced that this hole gathering was the beginning of a beautiful relationship for Milt and myself. She hugged me and touched me constantly!! I hated every second of that! But maybe her presence was a good buffer for me, because of fact that Milt did not bother me nearly as much as she did. Who knows! What I learned through the whole experience is that I really do not hold any anger towards Milt anymore. None. Weird. I still know that I do not need him in my life. I know he hasn't changed, and I do not need that instability in my life. I also know that I have a Father who loves me the way I deserve, and that is all I need.
5 comments:
pretty fitting post for Father's Day. you're right. you do have the most awesome Father. i can't help but wonder if milt is hoping for a second chance...if he's changed??
sounds like you might not need Milt to be a father, but Milt might need Milt to be a father.
i don't know the whole story of your family Chris, but i know people KNOW when they let their child down. i am proud of you for going to the funeral and facing all of that hard stuff.
I tried to comment on this last night. I had what I wanted to say exactly right, but before I could finish I accidentally erased it all. I was mad! Now I don't think I can pull it off right. I'll just say this. I appreciate what both of you said. I know, though, that Milt may want a "second" chance, but he isn't willing to be any different than he is. And I know he hasn't changed, despite how he is acting at the moment. I have seen this before many times. Bobbi, he really doesn't think that he did anything worng in the past, even blames me for most of it. That also will never change. I know this to be true from experience, and from stories my brother has been telling me about his relationship with Milt. I do not need or want someone who is as unhealthy as he is in my life anymore. If he could change, I would reconsider it, but like I said I have been fooled so many times in the past. There is nothing here to tell me he has changed. I have also come to the point in my relationship with God that I am now finally seeing him as my father, someone I can trust. Trust for me, for obvious reasons doesn't come easily for me. I have fought God on this my whole life. But now I see, he is the Father I am suppost to have.
Sounds like you have to come to a postive place regarding your family. I can't even imagine how you have felt all these years. I agree with Bobbie, maybe it is Milt wanting things to be something more and you have the right and the faith to make the right choice-in your heart you already have.
I am sorry about your grandma. I think it's very courageous of you to go to the funeral knowing your dad would be there. We have some extended family issues too and sometimes just facing them head on seems to bring some closure on things. I'm glad you have the Father above in your life...you can see Him working.
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