Forever alone?
As you have read before, I often go through this feeling of being alone every so often. I have hesitated writing about it this time, because from experience, I know people can get sick of hearing about it. Just be HAPPY already! I have even lost friends in part because of my reoccurring depression. The thing is, I have made a lot of choices in my life to not be alone. I have moved states to not be alone. I have tried to keep a bad boyfriend to not be alone. I have kept certain friends just to not be alone. But here I am anyway. Alone. I have been spending a lot of time on my own for the last couple of months. I like being on my own much of the time, but I need to have a social outlet. I need it! And I don't have that anymore except at work. But now my life consists of: work, home, work, home, etc. I do not have close friends here anymore. I am trying to find ways to make friends, but I lack the talent Karen has:). It's hard for me. Now, because I didn't want to alone, I have no family near me for support. My best friends are far away. I miss my social outlets with people that really do care about me. I love reading all my blog friends stories about their lives, but it has been making me feel so envious. I want what you guys have so much. But because I tried so hard to not be alone, it turns that alone is where I am at anyway.
Now, I know I have some great things going for me. And I do hold out hope that it won't always be this way. I try not to just sit on my butt and take it. I started going to a new church that I hope that I will get more entrenched in. Pray for me to find a way to serve. I started playing golf again, and will be taking lessons out at Ft. Carson in May, a women's clinic. Pray that I can make some friends. I keep going to the dog park, and try to talk to people. Pray that Millie stops chewing on their dogs! I have gardening to do. I now have money to work on my backyard. I have stuff going for me. I just hate that I am doing so many things alone. The joy and solitude I use to feel is fading. Ok, Before you say anything, yes I know God is with me. I am grateful for that, believe me. I think I have stopped blaming him for my aloneness. I know that he is still redirecting my life away from people who are not good for me, and eventually, I hope, towards people who are. But, why does this holding period feel like it is going to take forever! I need some boosts here my friends. I need to feel your hugs from across the Internet waves. Thank you for being there, even so far away.
8 comments:
aw, Chris, here is a cyberhug just for you. i wish you were here, i would invite you over for a "mud and coffee" afternoon out in the garden.
i am going to a new church too. today the preacher (a guest) talked about psalm 40.
He put a new song in my mouth,
a hymn of praise to our God.
Many will see and fear
and put their trust in the LORD.
the guy said that we are each a "song" or a melody that God desires to hear play. He is the minstrel, and we are the instrument. and in order for each of us to be a NEW SONG that is lovely to God's ear, He tunes us. A lot. Til we sound the way we are supposed to sound.
since i have been reading your blog, a couple of state's away, i am starting to get an inkling of your "song" and it is a great one! you are not alone, even if you feel that you are. i'm glad you choose to share the real you, not some fake happy you.
i pray for the day you are with those people that God plants in your life. i also pray that for now, still, He is enough.
Oh, man, no wonder I've been feeling the urge to call!! I will call in a couple of hours when E is at baseball practice. I will be there in two short weeks, and will spend that time telling you how wonderful you are, how beautiful you are, what a great friend you are, etc. Which you ARE. I do love what Bobbi said about your song, I see it too! I see, especially, a spiritual maturity that comes from all the alone time you've had. I pray for the good things that are coming, because I know that they are coming from our good God. I am sorry that they have to come in His time, I know how hard it is to wait. Just remember, we're waiting with you!
Oh thank you both,I just really needed some encouragement right now. As soon as I started reading your words I started bawling. Then my two pooches were instantly at my side:) Wow, I still can't stop crying. Thank you.
i am sending a big big hug of support and love and understanding your way...wish i could do it in person. i wish i could read the next chapter for you right now, and tell you just what's going to happen next. i keep thinking of my own life that way...that it's like watching a movie or reading a book. the next chapter always surprises me, but once i get there, i understand finally what the previous chapters were leading to.
just keep praying to Him, ask Him for direction and to help you in your loneliness. And then watch for doors that He opens. I think you are doing all the right things. You are a wonderful, smart, cool, funny, warm, caring person. I love you. And the house next door to me is for sale, totally cute and in your price range :) Ask God if you're supposed to live in Montrose??
Hi Chris, I know we don't know each other at all. But, I do know about anxiety/depression. It can be a huge anchor sometimes. That "alone" feeling can be a heavy dark cloud for me that covers all the connections around me. It's so odd, isn't it. I really appreciate your openness to feel like you can connect to other this way. I hope it is ok that I am commenting on this. Take some time today to see, hear or experience something funny! It always helps for that one split second anyway. And lastly, I am also sending you a huge hug and so is everyone from my crazy zoo!! K~
Thank you also to Carey and k~. Bothof your comments have helped me so much. I am feeling better. It just helps to hear stuff like this from time to time. I know you guys all care.
I'm a little late, but here's my hug......here's a tighter one.........it's like Carey said, there are so many chapters in our lives that we may not understand but when a new one begins, the previous ones have a new light on them. Your life has already been planned out and you have to just put your faith in that higher power and trust in Him. Once those doors open, these feelings will all come to a full circle. Keep believing, keep giving your life up everyday to a God and keep strong. And also keep staying sweet, kind, funny and beautiful. I'm so blessed to have met you all those years ago at SDSU. You are definitely in the scrapbook of my life.
Thanks DeAnn! You could never be too late.
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