Sunday, April 06, 2008



So, in thinking about what I wanted to blog about this week, I really thought it was going to be a "woe-is-me" type of post. Apparently, shocker, I can only stay positive for so long before my feelings get the best of me. Nothing new or bad has happened at work. Nothing new is going on just yet with my business dream. My life is just following the status quoe like it has been for QUITE A WHILE. The reoccurring realization that I am alone right now. I know this time is for me and God to be together, and for me to grow. It just gets old and lonely sometimes. Anyway, this has been heavy on my heart again this week. Like I have said before, I go up and down with this. So, when I went to church today, it was still weighing heavily on me. So much so, that I couldn't t even tell you much of what the pastor talked about. All I kept thinking about is that I am alone in a sea of people. I was sitting by myself. I went up for communion by myself, and sat by myself to take the communion. I kept praying, when is this going to end, this profound loneliness. When will I feel connected to people in my church? When will my husband find me. Ya see, in the old days I have my friend alcohol to help me make friends. I could be more fun faster than I can now. Without my friend alcohol, I am slower to warm up to people, which gives them the impression that I don't want to know them. So, then end of church comes, and I am picking up my stuff to go, when my pastors wife, Tamera walks straight up to me to say hello, but instead asks me if I am feeling connected here. I instantly said no and started to cry. I told her that I knew it was mostly because of me and how I relate to people, and it is frustrating and hard. She talked with me for awhile, both of us crying. Then she prayed with me. When we were finished, a girl walked by, Tamera asked her to stop and talk with us. Her name is Joy, and she is close to my age. She introduced us, then had to go. Joy and I talked for awhile. She said she was feeling sad today too because they love it here, but have to leave the Springs this summer because her husband has to do his Fellowship in Ohio. She doesn't want to leave. After talking a while more, I gave her my card with my email and phone # on it. She thought it would help us both if we got some girls together and do dinner sometime. So you see what God can do? I cried all the way home because of how amazing that was. I also told my mom about it. I'm still hoping God gets his hooks into her. Have a great week everyone, and know that if I didn't have all of you in my life.....well you know. Thank you for Blogland!

6 comments:

Karen said...

Oh, wow. I was praying that God would get you to church today. Didn't know why (in my fuzzy drug-head), but it seemed important. He knew! He knew what you needed and already answered! He has done the same thing with Trevor's-future-best-friend, I just know it.

:-) (I wish there was a way to do a smiley face with black eyes!)

Chris said...

Thanks, my black-eyed friend.

cherk said...

I love your posts-I love the honesty and your exposure of your true feelings-it is rare to find in this world and it makes you a STRONG and wonderful woman. I know it is comparing apples and oranges because I have the husband/family stuff. But I remember times (long time ago:) when I felt SOOOOO second best to all my friends who were prettier and had boyfriends AND guys wanting to be their boyfriend and wondered what the heck was wrong with me and why couldn't I FIND someone.I think God sent you a messge today to keep faith in yourself and letting your guard down feels good sometimes.

bobbione8y said...

oh Chris. that makes ME cry. i love that God knows our hearts. he knows your loneliness. he BEARS that pain for us! what a God!

you are so brave and awesome. i am so impressed with how you are telling us about your journey, and being so real.

i'm so glad you went to church yesterday :))

carey said...

I just checked all kinds of flights from Colorado Springs and Denver to Minneapolis, hoping there would be some super cheap tickets for this weekend. I wish there was a way...do you have any vacation time to take?
Drive to SF and ride with DeAnn and I to the Cities for the weekend and then drive back next Monday? I will call you tonite!

Chris said...

Oh Carey, I really wish I could. I just can't right now. I am hoping and praying I can make a trip to the black hills the end of May. I should have my tax money by then. Just pray that I can find a way out of this money prison so I can travel to see my friends when I want to.