I had a date Friday night. One that I was actually excited about. He is a Christian, close to my age, has a good career, and seemed to want much of what I want out of life. I was nervous too, I hate when I get nervous. I also felt hopeful. We have a lot in common, so I thought at the very least we would have a good time even if nothing comes from it. I told myself that God is in control, and he won't let me fall for anyone I shouldn't be with, and I still believe that. We had a good first day, I thought. He seemed to want to keep the night going, always suggesting we go one more place. He also touched my arm more than once and even hugged me at one point. I told him up front that I was nervous, and that I can hold back a little when I first meet someone. I wanted him to know there is more to know about me that what he will see the first time. At the end of the night, he said that now I have to ask him out. It was very cute, so naturally I thought he likes me. But that is where it ended. Before we went on our date, he texted me often and we talked on the phone for over an hour. After the date, he didn't do any of that. I am independent and a slow mover, so you know I was good about not pouncing on him. I waited a couple days before emailing him, but received no response. I waited a little while after that, and emailed again. I knew something was wrong, but what went wrong during our date? The other voice in my head also said maybe he is busy, and he did put the ball in my court. So, Tuesday night I called him, and it went straight to voicemail. I did ask God before hand that if this isn't meant to be let it go to voicemail so I can just leave a message. I said in my message, something breezy and funny, then I said that I wasn't sure what happened but he could call me if he wanted to. I put it back in is court. He didn't call me back, but I did get an email last night from him. It was your basic he-wanted-to-make-himself-feel-better email. He said that he thought I was a good person, but unfortunately we could only be friends. That is it. I resisted the urge to write back and ask how he came up with that after only one date, what's the point. I keep telling myself that it is most likely timing for him. It has only been a year since his divorce. But I can't help but feel so disappointed. Not because I lost this guy in particular but because it is painfully painfully getting to be obvious that I am meant to be alone. Yeah yeah yeah, you have heard this before. Don't read on if you don't want to hear it again. I am sad. I am tired of being alone. I am tired of feeling like this is all there is. I am in a job that is just a job, no good friends here, no relationship. No real happiness. I am tired of just moving slowly through life. I don't want to give up but maybe I am suppose to. Do you know I have not had close friends here for two years. I have not dated anyone special in four years. I have scattered dates here and there that all end up being disappointing. I am lonely. I keep crying out to God to lift me out of this, to make me ok to be alone, to help me only live for him, but nothing different happens. The one thing I have always asked God for is to not leave me alone in life. I can't stand it anymore! I am ready to give in. To whole up. I'm sorry positive thinking is not entering in here. I have tried so hard. I am ready to stop trying. I am suppose to mirror someones life, something I have fought for a long time, but I can't fight it any more. I can't. So......I don't know. I don't really know what to do. Prayer is not working. Hope is not helping. Please know I just need to get all this yucky stuff out of me. Hopefully, in time I will be ok with life the way it is. And since I don't seem to have anything cheery to say, I'll stop writing.